June 25, 2001
Someone said that the art of managing people is stepping on their toes without messing up their shine. People aren't perfect, and from time to time you will have to work with someone who is habitually rude, impatient, critical, disagreeable and downright mean. Here are ten things you can do when someone on your team is stepping on toes and messing up the shine of your project team.
1. Is This Really a Meanie?
I remember a conflict in front of a customer where my coworker was borderline-rude to the point that the customer asked us if we were going to continue working that way as the project progressed. Immediately after our meeting, I called another one and asked, "What was that tension in there?" It turned out that the confrontational behavior was in response to a legitimate complaint. The issue was identified, acknowledged and resolved. I was not dealing with a Meanie, but with an isolated bad response to a legitimate problem.
2. Deal With It Right Away
If the Meanie is new to your team, you should immediately inquire about the source of the mean behavior. In one instance, I asked a confrontational team member why she was taking a hostile position. She didn't provide details, but she did agree that her view was confrontational and said she would back off from that stance.
3. Change the Rules
If the Meanie has been a part of your team and is used to little or no opposition, you'll have to make new rules. The Meanies I have known have not been impressed with niceness. Once I was on the verge of leaving a project when I found out who would be on the team. Rather than quitting, I first tried giving back what the Meanie was dishing out. I felt rather silly barking back and rolling my eyes, but it worked in very short order. She continued to be rude and immature with folks on other teams, but I was able to work with her well enough to complete the project.
4. Identify Passive-Aggressive Behavior
This behavior takes some time to identify because by definition, it is hostility in disguise. If someone on your team smilingly delivers bad news or frequently promises to help but then finds a reason not to, you might have a Sneaky-Meanie on your hands. Identification is half the battle with this team member. Once you know he or she is essentially bucking authority in a roundabout way, you can deal directly with that indirect hostility.
5. Choose Your Battles
Just because you are determined to deal with the Meanies doesn't mean you have to join every battle. In each situation, make a conscious choice between swallowing your frustration and initiating a feedback session. Choose the most productive option for your team and for this project.
6. Compromise When You Can
Compromise is possible when the issue is important but not worth fighting about; when the conflict is a temporary situation; and when there is no time to hash things out, but you have to meet some of your goals.
7. Overpower When You Must
In these two cases you might have to confront and overpower the mean behavior head-on: when an emergency dictates quick action, or when you must positively represent your management or your client in an unpopular decision or action.
8. Forgive, But Don't Be a Doormat
It is part of human nature to want to avoid conflict, but don't delude yourself. Are you being nice and forgiving, or are you putting up with abuse? I remember a caller to a radio talk show who said she repeatedly forgave her tenants for not paying the rent. The show's host explained that she could forgive them and kick them out. Don't confuse niceness for lack of appropriate action. If the Meanie on your team is simply out to win conflicts, he or she will be back again and again to score a win at your expense.
9. Are You a Meanie?
Even the best of us become unreasonable from time to time. But if you perceive a problem in most of the people you deal with, consider the possibility that you are part of the problem. One of the most unprofessional Meanies I ever worked with assured me that I was the problem, yet her former team members had warned us of her behavior, and everyone on the current team took exception to her immature, unkind tactics. Ask for some honest feedback from your project team members, and be willing to face the truth!
10. Don't Forget the Team Building!
Even Meanies enjoy getting to know their team members, and getting to know each other is the best way to help your team get along for the life of the project. One reason for road rage is that drivers feel anonymous, and the same feeling can prevail when you work with people in three different time zones, rarely meeting face-to-face. Have you ever tailgated another car, and then discovered the driver is your coworker? It kind of makes you want to crawl under a rock. Help your team members interact on a more personal level (face-to-face if at all possible), and you will go a long way toward soothing the Meanie beast in all of us.
Donna Boyette is a project manager for the Web-development group at a large telecommunications firm, fully staffed by very nice people.