Ego Elephants

 

I like the way King George was introduced to Jack Sparrow in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean 4. He was introduced as ‘George Augustus, Duke of Brunswick-Luneburg, Archtreasurer and Prince-elector of the Holy Roman Empire, King of Great Britain and Ireland’. Wow, what a lengthy title and definitely one that is not easy to remember.

While I was counting the number of characters in the title, I recalled a question that a colleague of mine asked some time ago – ‘Is the length of a person’s title related to the importance of the work he is doing?’ In my opinion, the straightforward answer is ‘No’. But if this is indeed the answer, then what could have possibly motivated people to create long and fanciful titles which are hard to remember? The closest explanation probably lies in a three-letter word – ‘ego’.

There is an ego elephant in every one of us.

They vary in size. Some of them are much larger than the others. Most of the time, they are innocuous and stay dormant just like any other elephants. But the truth is, they lurk in the dark, waiting for the right moment, the provocative words or the insidious remarks, to spring into action; and when that happens, nothing can stop them, not even you. They march on, seizing over the control while leaving you paralyzed under their feet. You look so vulnerable in the stampede. And yes, this is nothing new to you. It has happened so many times in the past despite your silent protests. 

You bring them with you wherever you go; to the weekly project interrogation party or your favorite postmortem debate. In most of these internecine dogfights, it seems like the person with the largest ego elephant usually wins. Not that they are strong, but they are just too stubborn to admit that they are wrong. In order to reward them for their hard-fought victories, you feed them with flatteries, something that accelerates their growth. As they grow bigger and stronger, they start to obscure your vision and block your thought, which in turn makes them harder to be controlled. This is a vicious cycle. In no time, they will grow so big that you will have to take them out and hang them on your nose.

How can you manage ego elephants?

1. Chain them up: The first thing you have to do is to cut the damage. Chain them up immediately to stop them from running loose. Do not give them a chance to take over the control. You ought to be able to detect the moment when they are about to spring into action. What you need are cues from micro-expressions, subtle body language and verbal tone to give you the hint to take back the control before all hell breaks loose. If you find yourself with the following symptoms, watch out!
   • Feel insulted when others disagree with you.
   • Keep saying things like “You’re wrong”, “You don’t get it”, and “I’m VERY sure” etc.
   • You disagree for the sake of disagreeing.
   • Keep talking but have stopped listening.
   • Behave irrationally and find all sorts of excuses to win an argument.
   • Hardly compliment but never miss a chance to criticize.
   • Pant heavily with a red face during a conversation.
   • Get impatient easily and believe that people around you are idiots.
2. Stop feeding them: Flattery is the main staple food for ego elephants. It provides the basic nutrients that help the elephants to grow. Cutting yourself off from all sorts of flatteries will help to curb the growth of ego elephants. But before you can even do that, you need to know how to differentiate flatteries from sincere remarks. Below are some good advices, suggested by Niccolò Machiavelli in chapter 23 of his work “The Prince”, which may help you to keep flatteries at bay.
   • Create an environment that encourages people to tell the truth.
   • Constantly seek for advices from the team.
   • Only listen and take the advices seriously from the trusted few.
   • Do not accept all advices blindly. Take only those that are needed.
   • Be skeptical and constantly questioning and probing what others say.
3. Tame them: Being humble is the best approach to tame the ego elephants. It is the ultimate and more sustainable way to put them under control. In fact, according to Jim Collins, humility is an essential trait that great leaders (whom he referred to as level-5 leaders) should have. Do not mistake humility with meekness and cowardice. It actually takes a lot of courage to be humble. As C. S. Lewis once said – “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking of yourself less.” Leaders that have big ego elephants usually put themselves on top of everyone else. However, leadership is never about you; it’s always about the others. Below are a few suggestions on practicing humility extracted from an article in Mind Tools.
   • There are times when swallowing one's pride is particularly difficult and any intentions of humility fly out the window, as we get engaged in a contest of perfection, each side seeking to look good. If you find yourself in such no-win situations, consider developing some strategies to ensure that the circumstances don't lead you to lose your grace. Try this sometimes: just stop talking and allow the other person to be in the limelight. There is something very liberating in this strategy.
   • Here are three magical words that will produce more peace of mind than a week at an expensive retreat: "You are right."
   • Catch yourself if you benignly slip into over preaching or coaching without permission – is zeal to impose your point of view overtaking discretion? Is your correction of others reflective of your own needs?
   • Seek others' input on how you are showing up in your leadership path. Ask: "How am I doing?" It takes humility to ask such a question. And even more humility to consider the answer.
   • Encourage the practice of humility in your company through your own example: every time you share credit for successes with others, you reinforce the ethos for your constituents. Consider mentoring or coaching emerging leaders on this key attribute of leadership.

You do not measure leadership by the number of medals that hang in front of your chest (that’s ego); you measure leadership by the impact you have on the people that follow behind you.