Dating Your Developer. What You Can Learn About Communication From Online Dating.

Isn't it cool to work virtually with people from all over the world? You are in the States. Your developers in India. Your testers in Brasil. Your customer in Germany. How cool is that!?

But if you don’t know each other, have no face-to-face communication, how does communication work?

You'll find the answer in online dating research.

Yeah, I know. I read the funkiest stuff.

First, there is the all important question: can social relationships develop online?

Social Information Processing Theory (SIPT) by Joseph Walther, a professor of communication studies, provides an interesting viewpoint. How do you get to know someone without nonverbal cues? Without face-to-face interaction?

Basically, according to SIPT, it comes down to using the online information and interaction that is available. Profiles, images, textual cues in email like language and grammar. According to Social Information Processing Theory you can develop genuine social relationships online, without face-to-face interaction. The process is only much slower. And you are using ... are you ready ... social cues!

Tada.

Wow. It almost looks like I build up to this post.

Hmmmm.

With online dating, first impressions are basic. All the cues you have are a picture and descriptions. Weight, height, hair color, income, educational level, age and ethnicity are important. And yes, we mostly prefer traits similar to our own. Similar age, ethnicity, educational level have our preferences.

Let's say you have finally found a profile you like and you are ready for your first email. Maybe you'll get a reply. Although: "An average looking man has a 40% chance of hearing back from an average looking women while an average woman has a 70% chance of getting a response back from an email sent to an average guy."

Now let's assume you are average.

A nice email exchange takes place. During this exchange of information you get feedback on the image you have of the other person. Some cues are filled in. New cues arrive.

Normally, feedback is a good thing. Your mental model is refined and tuned. It will become more accurate. But with online communication you might fall into a trap called "hyperpersonal communication", again created by Joseph Walther.

Within the notion of hyperpersonal communication people that use online cues to communicate create a hyperbolic and idealized conceptualization of each other. Based upon the limited information available we create an idealized image of our conversation partner. The sender filters his cues, so he only sends socially desired information.

Because the communication is a-synchronous, we can edit or correct any mistakes we made, thus making the communication stream near perfect. This process gets reinforced by feedback. Hyperpersonal communication explains why people can create very deep and personal discussions with others online, without ever meeting.

But an initial meeting has to take place. Feedback is one thing. We also need validation.

What happens if you communicate with a person on an online dating site for a while, and you go on a first date?
Was an old-school first date about getting to know each other, the new, modern first-date 2.0 is all about validation. Are my assumptions of him valid? Did he tell the truth? “The initial meeting tends to be a screening out process instead of a romantic occasion“.

With pure online communication validation is the key problem. Yes, we can build real relationships through digital media. Yes, without direct validation we can create a hyperbolic and idealized conceptualization of each other.

So we need first dates. We need to see if the other is trustworthy. Do we interpret the social cues correctly?

But of course, that is only if you want to date your developer.

Bas de Baar is a writer who draws about people in transition. He loves to make visual maps and travel guides for the collaborators of our brave new world.