The dirty little secret of business is that it’s all done on relationships. In our first article in this series, the bottom-line was that you can’t afford to not take the time to invest in this critical aspect of your career.

But that’s the rub, isn’t it? It takes time. And who has enough slack in their work week to add yet something more?

“Relationship-building? Great idea. I just don’t have the time.”

But Is It A Time Issue?

This is a bit personal but let me ask you a question. Prior walking into work, did you brush your teeth? Take a bath or shower?

I realize that norms vary by culture, but here’s the point of my prying question. We take care of at least basic personal hygiene before work because there’s typically a return on that investment of time in the morning! Most of us don’t roll out of bed and say, “Sorry! I just don’t have time to get cleaned up today!” (Unless, perhaps, when we’re working from home without any meetings with webcams!)

When I work with executive coaching clients and audiences around the world, nearly everyone agrees about the importance of relationship-building, as an idea. But, in practice, it’s often not perceived as sufficiently valuable to justify the investment of time.

Over the years I’ve had the distinct privilege of interviewing some of the top leadership thought leaders of our time, and one highlight is Dr. Ed Schein. Ed, who is now in his nineties, is the guy who coined the term corporate culture. It was like talking to Yoda.

One of the most important lessons I learned from Dr. Schein is the dynamics of learning and anxiety. “Learning anxiety comes from being afraid to try something new for fear that it will be too difficult, that we will look stupid in the attempt, or that we will have to part from old habits that have worked for us in the past.”*

Forget about trying to talk people out of learning anxiety. It’s the basis for resistance to change.

Ah, but there’s also survival anxiety: “the horrible realization that in order to make it, you’re going to have to change.”* His thesis is that learning only happens when survival anxiety is greater than learning anxiety.

Take a moment and let that idea soak in. You’re most likely to go through the inconvenience of learning something new when you think your survival depends on it.

Your Survival Depends on Relationship-Building

Stop thinking about relationship-building as a nice idea. Think of it as one of the top skills you need for career survival.

You are one acquisition or economic crisis or management change or automation disruption away from looking for a job. That next career opportunity will likely come because of a relationship.

But it’s not just about job hunting.

Mentors can radically boost your ability to navigate an increasingly complex business world. Broader relationships expose you to innovative ideas, provide early warnings about upcoming changes, and ease your ability to influence outcomes.

An Idea and An Exercise

Since you’re tight on time, here’s an idea: leverage something you’re already doing. Meetings are not just for information sharing and decision-making. Think of them as relationship-building opportunities. If you arrive before the meeting starts, seek out someone you don’t know as well and sit by them. Ask questions to learn more about them.

I like to ask people, “What’s something good from the last week?” It gets them talking, primes the discussion to be positive, and provides an opportunity to celebrate with the person--all of which are powerful ingredients of relationship-building.

Even if you sit by someone you know well, ask some questions. Follow-up with them about something they may have mentioned before (e.g., “You mentioned your family was going to get some time away. How was your trip?”). Avoid bringing the focus back to yourself (Celeste Headlee calls this conversational narcissism).

Beyond that, carve out 15 minutes for a network audit, an exercise described in Herminia Ibarra’s book Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader. Here’s how it works:

Identify up to 10 people with whom you have discussed important work matters over the last few months. Perhaps you went for advice. Or used them as a sounding board. You don’t have to identify 10, and don’t try to think of who should be on the list. Only list people to whom you have recently turned for help.

Now, look that list over. What does it say to you about your network? What are the strengths of your network, as it exists today? What are the weaknesses?

One observation I took from my first network audit exercise: I don’t go for advice nearly enough. If I was truthful about how I actually went about work, the list of advisors I sought over the last few months was strikingly short.

I also realized that the network was not nearly as diverse as it should be. Here I mean not only gender or racial diversity. I also mean cognitive diversity. Departmental diversity. Job level diversity. Experience diversity.

A network audit is an easy exercise to skip. Don’t. Try it and see what it tells you.

Your survival may just depend on what you learn.

What stands out to you from this article? Please leave a comment to join the discussion. Keep an eye out for our next article as we continue this series on relationship-building.

* The quotes are from Diane Couto's Harvard Business Review article “The Anxiety of Learning” (available online at https://hbr.org/2002/03/the-anxiety-of-learning). 

The dirty little secret of business is that everything comes down to relationships.

If you’ve been in the workplace long enough, you’ve seen the power of relationships—in your own career and those of your co-workers. Chances are you got a job because of a relationship. Or were trusted to lead a project. Or got promoted.

Career Trajectory

I had a coaching client who went from Manager to Director to C-level in less than 5 years. He was competent, for sure. But he also had strong relationships at the C-level and I have no doubt it was those relationships (not amazing coaching) that blazed the trail for his fast-tracked rise in the organization.

It works the other way as well. Perhaps you or someone you know lost a job (or opportunity) because of a strained relationship. In Jeffrey Pfeffer’s book Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't, he’s clear: “The lesson from cases of people both keeping and losing their jobs is that as long as you keep your boss or bosses happy, performance really does not matter that much and, by contrast, if you upset them, performance won’t save you.”

Whether we agree things should be this way or not misses the point. Spend enough time in the workplace and you’ll see Pfeffer’s findings ring true. Your relationship with your boss matters—more than most people realize.

More Than Just With Your Boss

But it’s more than just your boss. Strong relationships with co-workers create greater trust which means work gets done faster. That’s the whole premise of Stephen M.R. Covey’s book The Speed of Trust. Good relationships with your team members help with engagement, retention, and just about every other measure that matters.

In the world of projects, the strength of relationships with stakeholders makes all the difference. They’re more likely to show up for meetings, advocate for your project, and speak honestly about their concerns…. if they like you, trust you, and respect you. And if they don’t? Your odds of successfully delivering are significantly diminished.

But you know all of this already. Maybe the Pfeffer point is new and somewhat depressing, but you’ve known for years that relationships matter, right?

Why Don't We Do What We Know Is True?

After working with hundreds of executive coaching clients and speaking on the topic to audiences around the world, the biggest pushback isn’t that people disagree with the point. The reality is they don’t feel they have time to develop relationships.

Great idea—don’t have time to do it.

If you take nothing else away from this discussion, it’s this: you can’t afford to not do it.

In subsequent posts, I’ll share more ideas to help you build relationships without demanding too much time. For now, share your thoughts in the comments section. How have relationships helped you in your career? With your projects? Let’s keep the conversation going. After all, that’s a great way to build relationships!

(Allen J. Schaben/Los Angeles Times/TNS)

You may have noticed that Adele dominated at the recent GRAMMY Awards. Sure, there’s some controversy over whether Beyoncé should have won more, but here’s why I even bring this up: Adele and Beyoncé were just two of many thousands of artists and producers who wanted to be on stage that night, lifting high their award for their big hit.

Yet few make it that far.

What makes a hit? And why should that even matter to project managers?

I recently sat down with Derek Thompson, Senior Editor at The Atlantic magazine. Thompson is the author of a new book entitled Hit Makers: The Science of Popularity in an Age of Distraction. Thompson chased down this idea of what makes hits and has put together an engaging read on the science of what makes something popular.

I’ll take a wild guess and suggest that you’re not necessarily trying to write the next GRAMMY-winning song. But if you lead teams and projects, you need to sell your ideas. Whether it’s for your project or your career, there are approaches or ideas that you’d like to see get some traction. Thompson’s book outlines some intriguing ideas for your consideration.

You can hear Thompson talk about the book in his own words at http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/166

Here’s an appetizer of ideas that project managers and leaders at all levels can sample from Thompson's book.

Remember the MAYA Rule

First, when it comes to trying to sell an idea, Thompson suggests you follow the MAYA Rule. MAYA stands for Most Advanced Yet Acceptable. You may not recognize the name Raymond Loewy, but you’ve been influenced by him more than you know. He’s the father of modern industrial design, and Cosmopolitan magazine wrote back in 1950 that Loewy “has probably affected the daily life of more Americans than any man of his time.”

Loewy’s philosophy? Stretch the boundaries of something to make it new, yet keep it just familiar enough to be acceptable. Too much innovation before its time and it won’t be accepted. Too familiar and it won’t get noticed or catch on.

MAYA was his answer. What’s the lesson for us? If the idea you’re trying to get approved is rather radical—perhaps edging towards Most Advanced and Barely Acceptable—try to anchor your message with the familiar. Seek to show how this new idea is similar to something they already know. If you’re trying to get approval for something more on the familiar side, do the opposite. Seek to highlight what’s new.

Sometimes we try to ask for too much, or strive to change too much, too quickly—it’s beyond the Yet Acceptable threshold. Keep MAYA and Thompson’s related advice in mind as you try to influence in the days ahead.

Fluency and Disfluency

When an idea is easy to assimilate, it’s fluent. Thompson finds “fluent ideas and products are processed faster and they make us feel better, not just about ideas and products we confront, but also about ourselves. Most people generally prefer ideas that we already agree with, images that are easy to discern, stories that are easy to relate to, and puzzles that are easy to solve.”

Disfluency is the opposite. It requires hard thinking. It’s dissonant. And it may keep our ideas from catching on.

There are countless applications for us as leaders of teams and projects. Take an email to our stakeholders, for example. How can we make it as fluent as possible, which is to say, how can we make it as easy as possible for them to understand what we’re trying to communicate?

I teach an MBA class on project management and one of the assignments is a 2-page paper. One of my students submitted a paper where the initial paragraph was a page and a half! One paragraph! Opening that document was like opening a door to find a brick wall instead of a doorway! It screamed “Don’t read me!” “I don’t know what I’m talking about!” It dripped with disfluency!

We can cause disfluency by using jargon or not appreciating cultural influences. In a rush to send a message, we leave out critical aspects of our idea that leave the receiver without the necessary context.

Before you send that next message, remember to seek fluency instead of disfluency.

Beware Homophily

Whether you recognize the term or not, you’ll recognize the effect. Homophily is our tendency to sort ourselves into tribes (or, as Thompson prefers, “mini cults”). Homophily is impacting how we get our news, with whom we go to lunch most days, and how we build our networks of relationships.

Especially in this time of increasing polarization, I encourage you to intentionally fight back by seeking out people who think differently from you, who have different perspectives or even worldviews than you. Homophily will try to get in your way. Push through.

The dirty little secret of business is that everything comes down to relationships. Thompson provides insights and examples of how the success of your ideas, your career, and your projects could depend far more than you realize on who’s in your Top 5 relationships.

Go deeper into the organization, beyond your particular domain or area—even outside your industry. If you’re a project manager, take advantage of joining your local PMI chapter and take the time to get to know people who are leaders there.

Building a strong Top 5 is not brown-nosing or simply self-seeking. It’s just a great way to build your ability to make a difference, for you, your team, your organization and your career.

Quality is Not Destiny

We have this bias sometimes that the best idea wins. The smartest person gets promoted. The best approach gets approved. Our work should stand on its merits.

The best song or most talented artist should be on the GRAMMY stage, right?

No offense to Adele or Beyoncé: that’s not what the research finds. But if you’d like to learn more about how ideas take off, including some scenarios specifically relevant to project managers and other leaders, check out this discussion with Derek Thompson about his book Hit Makers: The Science of Popularity in an Age of Distraction.

http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/166

P.S. If you listen closely, you’ll even hear my duet with Beyoncé.

So what’s your take? What questions or concerns do you have? Share your thoughts and questions in the comments below. I look forward to discussing this with you!

Andy Kaufman is a keynote speaker who helps organizations around the world improve their ability to deliver projects and lead teams. He is the host of the People and Projects Podcast which provides interviews and insights to help you lead and deliver.

Most of us don’t wake up and say, “Ah, I love the smell of napalm in the morning! I can’t wait to get into some conflict today!”

Yet the PMBOK® Guide reminds us that “conflict is inevitable in a project environment." (p 282). That’s no surprise to anyone who has led project and teams. We know it’s part of the game, and often have many war stories to prove it.

Your Perspective On Conflict

We each bring our own views about conflict with us when we're leading teams and projects. Let me ask: what comes to mind when you hear the term conflict?

When I ask that to clients and audiences around the world, I most often hear replies such as “arguments”, “stress”, or “avoid!” The PMBOK® Guide acknowledges that conflict can get disruptive. It can spiral out of control. But the PMBOK® Guide also tells us that “when managed properly, differences of opinion can lead to increased creativity and better decision making.” (p 283)

Love. Hate.

So we know there’s benefit to conflict but we tend to hate it. We don't actually need to love conflict, but learning how to deal with it is critical to our ability to lead and deliver.

Here’s a brief video of one of the most important lessons I’ve learned about conflict.

What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned? Please help our project community by sharing your insights in the comments below. Thanks!

In the video, I mention Michael Roberto and his book Why Great Leaders Don't Take Yes for an Answer. To hear Michael talk about this topic, see http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/99.

References to A Guide to the Project Management Body of Knowledge (PMBOK^® Guide) refer to the Fifth Edition published by the Project Management Institute in 2013.  “PMI”, “PMP”, “Project Management Professional”, “CAPM”, and “PMBOK” are registered marks of the Project Management Institute, Inc.

You’re sitting across the table from a person who is losing it. They’re upset again. It could be your boss, a key stakeholder, a customer, or even a member of your team or family, but the fact is, when the formula includes You + Them, the result is a meltdown.

If you lead people or projects, conflict is inevitable. In his insightful book Why Great Leaders Don’t Take Yes for an Answer, Michael Roberto talks about the differences between cognitive conflict and affective conflict. You need cognitive conflict—this leads to better solutions because well-intentioned people are actively disagreeing—even vigorously—to end up with a better solution. If you don’t have a fair dose of cognitive conflict with your team, Roberto suggests it could be a sign they just don’t care.

But that’s not what this post is addressing. I’m talking about affective conflict—when the line of respect gets crossed. When emotions and biases cloud judgment and people stop listening to each other. When a personal win is more important than a shared win. When you walk away from that meeting and you feel like the life was sucked out of you.

Affective conflict sucks. Yet here you are again, with it screaming in your face.

Dan Shapiro is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. The guy knows a thing or two about highly emotionally charged conflict and negotiation. He consults with the hostage negotiation arm of the NYPD. He gets Palestinian and Israeli leaders to the table and helps them make real progress. He facilitates sessions with world leaders to show how they are often too apt to prefer seeing the world explode than solve its problems.

And Dan released a new book this week that can help you deal with that person across the table.

Negotiating the Nonnegotiable (Viking, April 2016) helps us look at the issues underlying the most emotionally charged conflicts and offers insights on how to stop the pattern of craziness that too often ensues.

There are no easy answers to the most challenging conflicts we face. But Shapiro lays out a case for how these conflicts are not typically a matter of rational differences. They’re not even just about the emotions raging. Under it all, Shapiro argues it often is a matter of tribal differences: who we are vs. who they are. This tribal mindset can be seen in a range of conflicts, from marital disputes, to arguments across organizational silos, to clashes between nations. It’s likely an issue with that stakeholder across the table from you.

In Negotiating the Nonnegotiable, Shapiro shares practical lessons about how to recognize when you’re barreling down a path of what he calls vertigo—where the conflict is so out of control that we’re disoriented—seemingly unable to perceive what’s really going on. He provides vocabulary around how to recognize therepetition compulsion—the self-defeating patterns of behavior that just get repeated over and over. And he shares perspectives on office politics that alone are worth the price of the book.

If you’re waiting for that person across the table to resign or get a job in a different part of the organization, you will probably have a lot of birthdays. If you’re sick of the affective conflict and can muster up the open-mindedness to chisel away at the underlying problems, Dan Shapiro’s new book is a great place to start.

You can hear Dan talk about some ideas from Negotiating the Nonnegotiable in this interview: http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/148. When the yelling calms down, I recommend you listen to it.

What are some of your most challenging conflicts? What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned about trying to resolve those conflicts? I invite you to share your lessons below in the comments.