You’re stuck at an airport. In another country. Alone. Forced to wait 7 hours for a flight. That you might not get on.

That’s me right now. The details surrounding why I’m stuck in Athens International Airport are not nearly as important as the fact that I’m having to wait. And waiting is not something I excel at. For most of us, waiting is not what we do well.

At all.

We’re productive. Active. Moving. In a hurry. Using incomplete sentences.

We are not waiters.

Airports are filled with impatience. I’ve humored myself today watching people hovering for a power outlet like vultures searching for their next morsel, swooping down to plug in so they can leverage their wait time to catch up. Coffee lines have impatient travelers, hoping that another glare at their watch will make the queue go faster. Boarding times become pushing matches, with everyone jockeying to the front to ensure they don't miss out on some overhead bin real estate.

I’m surrounded by discontented waiters today, and in truth, I confess I’m one of them.

What Are You Waiting For?

Chances are you’re waiting for something right now that is far more significant than the distance between you and your next flight. Perhaps you're waiting for a promotion. Or the day when your boss gives you the credit you think is due. Or a job offer. Or for a stakeholder who is dragging their feet on a sign-off. Or the results of a medical test. Fill in the blank: you’re likely waiting for something, and it can feel like you’re stranded, alone, not sure how it will turn out.

Lewis Smedes writes, “Waiting is our destiny as creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for.” As leaders, we might give Smedes props for his prose but bristle against the belief we can’t make our hopes come to fruition. He seems to give us permission to wave the victim flag.

Which is it? Captains of our ship? Or ships being tossed by the waves?

How Much Control Do You Have?

If you dislike waiting as much as me, here’s what I recommend: start by taking a long, hard look at how much control you have over your waiting. For example, I’m flying back to the States today as a standby passenger (thanks to my wife’s flight attendant benefits), which means I only get on if there’s an open seat. My wife and kids were able to fit onto an earlier flight, but we have little control over how much room a plane will have. We can target more open flights, be at the gate early, and be extremely kind to the gate agents, but beyond that, I'm at the mercy of who shows up (or not). If you’re waiting for the results of a biopsy, you have no control at this point of what will be found. You can do some research, talk with friends, but your level of control is low.

Where your level of control is low, the waiting battle is fought in the mind. How you think about your situation may not necessarily affect the outcome, but it can make all the difference while you wait. I can conjure up positive thoughts about getting on today’s flight, but that’s not going to open a seat for me. But ruminating over how much of an inconvenience this is won’t help me either.

In situations of low control, there’s wisdom in the “count your blessings” idea. In my case, I'm currently healthy. I love my job. My whole family enjoyed a holiday in Europe for a fraction of what it would have cost us if we had to pay typical prices for flights. I’m here because my wife and I are celebrating 30 years of marriage--and I'm more in love with her today than 30 years ago. I could go on with other "blessings", but you get the point: when control is low, watch how you think. Try to focus on the good, not because it will change your situation as much as help you during the wait.

Where you have more control, use all the influence you can muster. Certainly how you think matters here as well. But what actions can you take? With a promotion, you can’t decide for the boss, but you're likely not completely without influence. You can discuss your goals, find out what’s expected, and work hard to achieve those expectations. You can seek a mentor, build relationships, develop your skills, and keep your resume updated. We rarely have complete control over situations, but we often have more influence available than we realize.

Regardless of the level of control, waiting is often made better when we have trusted people to go through it with us. Most often, I have a better perspective on situations when I lean into my support network instead of drifting away from it. People can help us process the wait.

Take a Breath

If your wait is relatively insignificant, in the scheme of things, take a breath. I so easily stress out over situations that won’t even be remembered a day or two from now.

• That slow driver in front of you? Instead of laying on the horn, take a breath and try to remember Wendy Moss' admonition to always "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." The other driver is a person, not an inconvenience. (David Foster Wallace's iconic Kenyon College commencement address offers a related thought experiment.)
• The protracted line at the coffee shop? Maybe it’s an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone.
• Being stuck in an airport, being bumped from flights? Maybe it's my chance to slow down and be present instead of in a hurry.

In these cases, maybe the blessing is the wait. Sometimes delay makes the gratification sweeter. You and I still don't like waiting, but it might just be the opportunity we need to take a breath, get some perspective, and realize that faster isn’t always better. Busy isn’t always productive. Waiting is part of the journey.

P.S. We're on day 5 of trying to get home, finally hitting US soil today. Little did I know when the article was first written that I would increasingly need to practice these insights!

What are you waiting for? What helps you make it through? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

(Allen J. Schaben/Los Angeles Times/TNS)

You may have noticed that Adele dominated at the recent GRAMMY Awards. Sure, there’s some controversy over whether Beyoncé should have won more, but here’s why I even bring this up: Adele and Beyoncé were just two of many thousands of artists and producers who wanted to be on stage that night, lifting high their award for their big hit.

Yet few make it that far.

What makes a hit? And why should that even matter to project managers?

I recently sat down with Derek Thompson, Senior Editor at The Atlantic magazine. Thompson is the author of a new book entitled Hit Makers: The Science of Popularity in an Age of Distraction. Thompson chased down this idea of what makes hits and has put together an engaging read on the science of what makes something popular.

I’ll take a wild guess and suggest that you’re not necessarily trying to write the next GRAMMY-winning song. But if you lead teams and projects, you need to sell your ideas. Whether it’s for your project or your career, there are approaches or ideas that you’d like to see get some traction. Thompson’s book outlines some intriguing ideas for your consideration.

You can hear Thompson talk about the book in his own words at http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/166

Here’s an appetizer of ideas that project managers and leaders at all levels can sample from Thompson's book.

Remember the MAYA Rule

First, when it comes to trying to sell an idea, Thompson suggests you follow the MAYA Rule. MAYA stands for Most Advanced Yet Acceptable. You may not recognize the name Raymond Loewy, but you’ve been influenced by him more than you know. He’s the father of modern industrial design, and Cosmopolitan magazine wrote back in 1950 that Loewy “has probably affected the daily life of more Americans than any man of his time.”

Loewy’s philosophy? Stretch the boundaries of something to make it new, yet keep it just familiar enough to be acceptable. Too much innovation before its time and it won’t be accepted. Too familiar and it won’t get noticed or catch on.

MAYA was his answer. What’s the lesson for us? If the idea you’re trying to get approved is rather radical—perhaps edging towards Most Advanced and Barely Acceptable—try to anchor your message with the familiar. Seek to show how this new idea is similar to something they already know. If you’re trying to get approval for something more on the familiar side, do the opposite. Seek to highlight what’s new.

Sometimes we try to ask for too much, or strive to change too much, too quickly—it’s beyond the Yet Acceptable threshold. Keep MAYA and Thompson’s related advice in mind as you try to influence in the days ahead.

Fluency and Disfluency

When an idea is easy to assimilate, it’s fluent. Thompson finds “fluent ideas and products are processed faster and they make us feel better, not just about ideas and products we confront, but also about ourselves. Most people generally prefer ideas that we already agree with, images that are easy to discern, stories that are easy to relate to, and puzzles that are easy to solve.”

Disfluency is the opposite. It requires hard thinking. It’s dissonant. And it may keep our ideas from catching on.

There are countless applications for us as leaders of teams and projects. Take an email to our stakeholders, for example. How can we make it as fluent as possible, which is to say, how can we make it as easy as possible for them to understand what we’re trying to communicate?

I teach an MBA class on project management and one of the assignments is a 2-page paper. One of my students submitted a paper where the initial paragraph was a page and a half! One paragraph! Opening that document was like opening a door to find a brick wall instead of a doorway! It screamed “Don’t read me!” “I don’t know what I’m talking about!” It dripped with disfluency!

We can cause disfluency by using jargon or not appreciating cultural influences. In a rush to send a message, we leave out critical aspects of our idea that leave the receiver without the necessary context.

Before you send that next message, remember to seek fluency instead of disfluency.

Beware Homophily

Whether you recognize the term or not, you’ll recognize the effect. Homophily is our tendency to sort ourselves into tribes (or, as Thompson prefers, “mini cults”). Homophily is impacting how we get our news, with whom we go to lunch most days, and how we build our networks of relationships.

Especially in this time of increasing polarization, I encourage you to intentionally fight back by seeking out people who think differently from you, who have different perspectives or even worldviews than you. Homophily will try to get in your way. Push through.

The dirty little secret of business is that everything comes down to relationships. Thompson provides insights and examples of how the success of your ideas, your career, and your projects could depend far more than you realize on who’s in your Top 5 relationships.

Go deeper into the organization, beyond your particular domain or area—even outside your industry. If you’re a project manager, take advantage of joining your local PMI chapter and take the time to get to know people who are leaders there.

Building a strong Top 5 is not brown-nosing or simply self-seeking. It’s just a great way to build your ability to make a difference, for you, your team, your organization and your career.

Quality is Not Destiny

We have this bias sometimes that the best idea wins. The smartest person gets promoted. The best approach gets approved. Our work should stand on its merits.

The best song or most talented artist should be on the GRAMMY stage, right?

No offense to Adele or Beyoncé: that’s not what the research finds. But if you’d like to learn more about how ideas take off, including some scenarios specifically relevant to project managers and other leaders, check out this discussion with Derek Thompson about his book Hit Makers: The Science of Popularity in an Age of Distraction.

http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/166

P.S. If you listen closely, you’ll even hear my duet with Beyoncé.

So what’s your take? What questions or concerns do you have? Share your thoughts and questions in the comments below. I look forward to discussing this with you!

Andy Kaufman is a keynote speaker who helps organizations around the world improve their ability to deliver projects and lead teams. He is the host of the People and Projects Podcast which provides interviews and insights to help you lead and deliver.

If you lead projects and people, you inevitably face difficult people. In fact, some of these people seem downright crazy.

I’m not necessarily talking about certifiably mentally ill though that may be the case in rare circumstances. The crazy I’m talking about is the person who acts irrationally. They explode in anger at seemingly nothing. They are overly emotional. They are convinced that others are out to get them. They have an incessant need to be right.

These sorts of crazy can make work and life a chore. A burden. They can suck the life and joy out of what we’re trying to accomplish. And some of us face them regularly.

How do you deal with the crazy that sits in the cubicle across from you or in the office down the hall? Dr. Mark Goulston shares ideas in his latest book entitled Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life.

To help arm you to deal with the challenging people in your world, here are some key lessons from the book.

Lean Into Their Crazy

The main premise of Talking to Crazy is that you cannot reason people out of their crazy. Mark suggests that we must “lean into it”. Too often when someone is acting irrational, our instinct is to convince them that it’s not that bad. Or that they don't see things clearly.

The truth is you are right. They don't see things clearly. But trying to convince them of that, especially when they are at the height of their irrationality, is fruitless. Actually, you’ll make it worse.

What you see as resistance to change is persistence to them. What you see as complete nonsense is, in their eyes, just further proof of your cluelessness.

I had an executive coaching client convinced that she would get fired from her job. The more she obsessed on that fear, the more irrational she became. Further, this cycle of crazy led her to give every reason to lose her job. I can’t count the number of times I tried to help this person understand that her company was not out to get her. I vigorously explained how her flawed thinking was leading her down a path to the unemployment line. I tried to be rational in the face of her irrationality. And she was just convinced I didn’t understand (a view reinforced when she eventually—and unnecessarily—lost her job).

That’s how crazy works. When you next have to face that person, try to remember that their irrationality is rational to them. Efforts to convince them otherwise will just make things worse.

So, what do you do?

Keep Your Poise

Leaning into crazy starts with letting the person vent. Instead of following your instincts to shed light on the situation, let them unload their irrational thoughts. Don’t take it personally.

Dr. Goulston suggests this is an opportunity…. An opportunity for poise. Of course, that’s easier to say than do, but here’s the wisdom behind that approach. Goulston states that “stripping you of your poise is among an irrational person’s best weapons, and refusing to surrender your poise is one of your best defenses.”

I had a friend who suggested sometimes, you need to meet power with force. If someone pushes you, you need to push back at least as hard. I’ve seen situations where that was called for. But if that’s been your approach in the past and it’s not making things better, do whatever it takes to keep your poise. As George Bernard Shaw observed, “I learned long ago, never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Stay out of the mud by keeping your poise.

Stay Curious

I’m increasingly convinced that the source of much conflict is that people aren’t listening to each other. I’m not suggesting that all conflicts can be settled by heartfelt conversation, but an important skill when dealing with your crazy is to truly listen. Goulston suggests that you stay curious. After letting them vent, ask questions. Look them in the eye as they speak. Goulston even suggests focusing on their left eye. But regardless, stay curious as you listen to their rant.

Donny Ebenstein suggests in his book I Hear You you should listen so well that you can tell their story as well as they can. You don’t have to agree with their story, but you want to listen so intently that you could communicate their concern or frustration so effectively that they understand you’ve actually heard them.

Listening to truly understand is monumentally challenging in the face of crazy. And if the person is violent or goes over the line of respect, the best thing might be just to walk away. But assuming it’s safe, stay curious. What are they feeling, thinking, and doing? (Goulston calls this F-T-D Delivery). Listen so deeply that you understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it.

What’s Next?

By now you’ve held back from trying to convince the person out of their irrationality. You’ve listened well enough to have a better understanding of where they’re coming from. You haven’t interrupted so the person might start to lose some of their intensity. Where do you go from here? 

It depends.

You’ll need to get Talking to Crazy for the full arsenal of options, but here are a few for your consideration:

• The Belly Roll. Goulston suggests that “sometimes you win the battle by surrendering.” If you are in the wrong, admit it and ask, “What do you want me to do?” Or maybe you are not in the wrong, but you just don’t know what move to make. Goulston suggests something like, “If I say or do something, it will make things worse. If I don’t say or do something, it will make things worse. Given that I have very little confidence in what to do now, I need you to tell me what you need me to say or do to make the situation better for you. What would it take to make this right?” Depending on the situation, the best approach to dealing with the crazy might be to humbly go low.
• Picture Your Mentors. Goulston suggests that our response could be informed by visualizing how our mentors might respond. Bill Hybels, host of the Global Leadership Summit, suggests that, when faced with a challenging problem, ask yourself “What would a great leader do?” How would a great leader respond to the crazy you’re facing? How would the best boss you ever worked for respond?
• Anticipate the Crazy. Goulston observes “Irrational people will predictably escalate if you disagree with them, say no to them, tell them they’re wrong, or ask them to do something they don’t want to do.” We may think they’re so unpredictable, but in fact, you can sometimes anticipate the crazy. In Peter Bregman’s book Four Seconds, he asks us to watch for when we say, “I can’t believe they did it again!” His point: stop being surprised they did it again! Of course they did! That’s what they do! By anticipating the crazy, you may be able to avoid or mitigate it in the future.

 There’s no simple formula for dealing with the irrational and impossible people in your life. But there are ways to improve the odds that the crazy people in your world don’t take you down with them. To learn more about Dr. Mark Goulston and his book Talking To Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life, I invite you to watch this recent interview with him (and earn a free PDU).

What are your tips and tricks for dealing with crazy? I invite you to share them as comments below. Thanks!

Andy Kaufman, PMP is the host of The People and Projects Podcast, available at http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com and all podcast apps.

I recently had the opportunity to have a discussion with Susanne Madsen, Kevin Ciccotti, and Kim Wasson on the people side of our profession. We discussed topics, including:

• The role of introversion and extroversion when it comes to a project manager's effectiveness
• Ideas and tools to help project managers who are feeling the weight of stress as they juggle so many responsibilities
• Approaches for influencing stakeholders when the project manager doesn't necessarily have authority
• Practical insights on how to keep developing yourself, despite your busy schedule

It's not a short conversation, but watching it earns you a free PDU!* Enjoy! Please share your questions and observations in the comments section below. Thanks!

* Learn more about reporting your PDU here.

“I always hit my dates and budgets…”

Please.

My company helps people learn how to improve their ability to deliver projects and lead teams. If we’re facilitating a multi-day workshop, we often have a round of introductions, which helps build some initial context and rapport.

Occasionally someone introducing themselves will say something to the effect of “I’ve been running projects for x years and I’ve always delivered on time and on budget.”

What I want to say is, “Seriously? Never had a project that struggled or failed? Never?”

The Odds are Stacked Against You

Let’s talk about the project you’re working on right now. Depending on whose research you look at, the odds of successfully delivering the project aren’t great.

It’s not my intention to discourage. It’s just that successfully delivering projects is challenging work.

So what can you do to increase the odds of success? There’s no silver bullet that guarantees project success. But there’s one factor that almost always makes the difference between success and failure: the support of your project sponsor.

Your Number One Stakeholder

Think of the sponsor as the person who funds your project. When done well, the sponsor is there to support you with resources to enable you and your team to deliver. Done poorly, they are absent or even obstacles to project success.[i]

Why are they so important? Many times a project manager is stuck between two or more stakeholders with conflicting demands. We often aren’t empowered or have the political influence to make the decision on our own. Some would argue we should never be the decision maker.

Regardless, how can the sponsor help?

They can make the decision. They can ask questions or coach you on how to make the decision. They can facilitate a meeting. Or talk to other people’s bosses. They can use their political capital to help keep the project in motion.

Or not.

How else can they help? They can be a voice for the project. When a sponsor speaks up about the importance of an initiative, people notice. Conversely, if they rarely refer to it, people catch on—it’s not important.

Sponsors advocate for the project across the organization, including the senior management. They set priorities, garner support, evaluate trade-offs, share their expertise, and monitor progress. If you escalate an issue to a sponsor and they respond quickly, your project keeps moving.

If they fail to do these things, the project suffers.

Experts confirm what you and I know intuitively: if your sponsor is actively, vigorously supporting the project, your likelihood of success skyrockets. If they are absent or unsupportive, nearly all the other factors we could talk about are irrelevant.

Your sponsor is your number one stakeholder.

The View from Your Sponsor

At this point you might be thinking, “Well, I guess I’m doomed because I don’t have executive support!” If that’s the case, I need to ask, “What are you doing to get it?”

I ask this because I get to spend a lot of time with executives. Let’s re-frame the issue, from the sponsor’s point of view. Guess what some of their biggest complaints are about their project managers?

It’s often related to communication. “The project manager hasn’t talked with me for 2 months, and now she’s waving paper in my face, demanding that she needs more time or money!”

This reinforces the importance of regular communication with your sponsor. You never want to blindside them with bad news about the project. One of the biggest complaints from sponsors and other stakeholders is, “I don’t know what’s going on! They never talk with me!” Never let that be true of you when you’re running the project.

Or here’s another communication complaint from sponsors: “Every time this project manager starts talking to me about the project, my eyes start to glaze over! They get WAY too into the weeds!”

It’s important to remember that presenting up—to those higher in the organization—is different from presenting to peers or members of your teams. Most executives want the headlines, not the details. Be careful about technical jargon. Get to the point, then let them drill into whatever detail they want through their questions.

A final recurring complaint I hear from sponsors sounds something like this: “The project manager seems to think this is my only job! If I don’t get back to them right away, they complain I’m not being responsive!” This is a good reminder that your project may not be the sponsor’s top priority.

Getting Support from Your Sponsor

It can be very helpful upfront on a project to talk with the sponsor about how this initiative fits in with all their other priorities. Find out how often they want to hear from you, and in what ways (e.g. face-to-face, e-mail, scorecards, etc.). Learn what success on the project means to them. Know what their worries are about this project.

In theory, it should be a given that your sponsor will enthusiastically support your project. But in the real world, project managers (regardless of title) often have to actively go out and get that support.

We often think of networking as something you do when searching for a job. Yet I would argue that it’s foundationally important for all of us, all the time. In fact, I assert that the dirty little secret of business is that it’s all done on relationships. If you have strong rapport and support with a sponsor and walk into their office needing something, it’s an entirely different discussion than walking in and hearing, “Um, who are you?”

Whether you're two days or two decades into your role leading projects, make sure you are actively developing relationships: up, down, and across the organization.

The lesson: Your sponsor is your number one stakeholder. If they have your back, you have a significantly higher probability of successfully delivering your project.

What have you learned about engaging your project sponsor? Please share your insights in the comments below.

Footnote:

[i] For an interesting description of different sponsor personalities, check out The Standish Group’s CHAOS Manifesto 2012. They range from “Deadbeat dads” and “Drifters” on the uninvolved end and “Nitpickers” and “Mother Hens” on the too involved end. “Captains” provide the perfect middle ground.