You’re stuck at an airport. In another country. Alone. Forced to wait 7 hours for a flight. That you might not get on.

That’s me right now. The details surrounding why I’m stuck in Athens International Airport are not nearly as important as the fact that I’m having to wait. And waiting is not something I excel at. For most of us, waiting is not what we do well.

At all.

We’re productive. Active. Moving. In a hurry. Using incomplete sentences.

We are not waiters.

Airports are filled with impatience. I’ve humored myself today watching people hovering for a power outlet like vultures searching for their next morsel, swooping down to plug in so they can leverage their wait time to catch up. Coffee lines have impatient travelers, hoping that another glare at their watch will make the queue go faster. Boarding times become pushing matches, with everyone jockeying to the front to ensure they don't miss out on some overhead bin real estate.

I’m surrounded by discontented waiters today, and in truth, I confess I’m one of them.

What Are You Waiting For?

Chances are you’re waiting for something right now that is far more significant than the distance between you and your next flight. Perhaps you're waiting for a promotion. Or the day when your boss gives you the credit you think is due. Or a job offer. Or for a stakeholder who is dragging their feet on a sign-off. Or the results of a medical test. Fill in the blank: you’re likely waiting for something, and it can feel like you’re stranded, alone, not sure how it will turn out.

Lewis Smedes writes, “Waiting is our destiny as creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for.” As leaders, we might give Smedes props for his prose but bristle against the belief we can’t make our hopes come to fruition. He seems to give us permission to wave the victim flag.

Which is it? Captains of our ship? Or ships being tossed by the waves?

How Much Control Do You Have?

If you dislike waiting as much as me, here’s what I recommend: start by taking a long, hard look at how much control you have over your waiting. For example, I’m flying back to the States today as a standby passenger (thanks to my wife’s flight attendant benefits), which means I only get on if there’s an open seat. My wife and kids were able to fit onto an earlier flight, but we have little control over how much room a plane will have. We can target more open flights, be at the gate early, and be extremely kind to the gate agents, but beyond that, I'm at the mercy of who shows up (or not). If you’re waiting for the results of a biopsy, you have no control at this point of what will be found. You can do some research, talk with friends, but your level of control is low.

Where your level of control is low, the waiting battle is fought in the mind. How you think about your situation may not necessarily affect the outcome, but it can make all the difference while you wait. I can conjure up positive thoughts about getting on today’s flight, but that’s not going to open a seat for me. But ruminating over how much of an inconvenience this is won’t help me either.

In situations of low control, there’s wisdom in the “count your blessings” idea. In my case, I'm currently healthy. I love my job. My whole family enjoyed a holiday in Europe for a fraction of what it would have cost us if we had to pay typical prices for flights. I’m here because my wife and I are celebrating 30 years of marriage--and I'm more in love with her today than 30 years ago. I could go on with other "blessings", but you get the point: when control is low, watch how you think. Try to focus on the good, not because it will change your situation as much as help you during the wait.

Where you have more control, use all the influence you can muster. Certainly how you think matters here as well. But what actions can you take? With a promotion, you can’t decide for the boss, but you're likely not completely without influence. You can discuss your goals, find out what’s expected, and work hard to achieve those expectations. You can seek a mentor, build relationships, develop your skills, and keep your resume updated. We rarely have complete control over situations, but we often have more influence available than we realize.

Regardless of the level of control, waiting is often made better when we have trusted people to go through it with us. Most often, I have a better perspective on situations when I lean into my support network instead of drifting away from it. People can help us process the wait.

Take a Breath

If your wait is relatively insignificant, in the scheme of things, take a breath. I so easily stress out over situations that won’t even be remembered a day or two from now.

• That slow driver in front of you? Instead of laying on the horn, take a breath and try to remember Wendy Moss' admonition to always "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." The other driver is a person, not an inconvenience. (David Foster Wallace's iconic Kenyon College commencement address offers a related thought experiment.)
• The protracted line at the coffee shop? Maybe it’s an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone.
• Being stuck in an airport, being bumped from flights? Maybe it's my chance to slow down and be present instead of in a hurry.

In these cases, maybe the blessing is the wait. Sometimes delay makes the gratification sweeter. You and I still don't like waiting, but it might just be the opportunity we need to take a breath, get some perspective, and realize that faster isn’t always better. Busy isn’t always productive. Waiting is part of the journey.

P.S. We're on day 5 of trying to get home, finally hitting US soil today. Little did I know when the article was first written that I would increasingly need to practice these insights!

What are you waiting for? What helps you make it through? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Most of us don’t wake up and say, “Ah, I love the smell of napalm in the morning! I can’t wait to get into some conflict today!”

Yet the PMBOK® Guide reminds us that “conflict is inevitable in a project environment." (p 282). That’s no surprise to anyone who has led project and teams. We know it’s part of the game, and often have many war stories to prove it.

Your Perspective On Conflict

We each bring our own views about conflict with us when we're leading teams and projects. Let me ask: what comes to mind when you hear the term conflict?

When I ask that to clients and audiences around the world, I most often hear replies such as “arguments”, “stress”, or “avoid!” The PMBOK® Guide acknowledges that conflict can get disruptive. It can spiral out of control. But the PMBOK® Guide also tells us that “when managed properly, differences of opinion can lead to increased creativity and better decision making.” (p 283)

Love. Hate.

So we know there’s benefit to conflict but we tend to hate it. We don't actually need to love conflict, but learning how to deal with it is critical to our ability to lead and deliver.

Here’s a brief video of one of the most important lessons I’ve learned about conflict.

What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned? Please help our project community by sharing your insights in the comments below. Thanks!

In the video, I mention Michael Roberto and his book Why Great Leaders Don't Take Yes for an Answer. To hear Michael talk about this topic, see http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/99.

References to A Guide to the Project Management Body of Knowledge (PMBOK^® Guide) refer to the Fifth Edition published by the Project Management Institute in 2013.  “PMI”, “PMP”, “Project Management Professional”, “CAPM”, and “PMBOK” are registered marks of the Project Management Institute, Inc.

You’re sitting across the table from a person who is losing it. They’re upset again. It could be your boss, a key stakeholder, a customer, or even a member of your team or family, but the fact is, when the formula includes You + Them, the result is a meltdown.

If you lead people or projects, conflict is inevitable. In his insightful book Why Great Leaders Don’t Take Yes for an Answer, Michael Roberto talks about the differences between cognitive conflict and affective conflict. You need cognitive conflict—this leads to better solutions because well-intentioned people are actively disagreeing—even vigorously—to end up with a better solution. If you don’t have a fair dose of cognitive conflict with your team, Roberto suggests it could be a sign they just don’t care.

But that’s not what this post is addressing. I’m talking about affective conflict—when the line of respect gets crossed. When emotions and biases cloud judgment and people stop listening to each other. When a personal win is more important than a shared win. When you walk away from that meeting and you feel like the life was sucked out of you.

Affective conflict sucks. Yet here you are again, with it screaming in your face.

Dan Shapiro is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. The guy knows a thing or two about highly emotionally charged conflict and negotiation. He consults with the hostage negotiation arm of the NYPD. He gets Palestinian and Israeli leaders to the table and helps them make real progress. He facilitates sessions with world leaders to show how they are often too apt to prefer seeing the world explode than solve its problems.

And Dan released a new book this week that can help you deal with that person across the table.

Negotiating the Nonnegotiable (Viking, April 2016) helps us look at the issues underlying the most emotionally charged conflicts and offers insights on how to stop the pattern of craziness that too often ensues.

There are no easy answers to the most challenging conflicts we face. But Shapiro lays out a case for how these conflicts are not typically a matter of rational differences. They’re not even just about the emotions raging. Under it all, Shapiro argues it often is a matter of tribal differences: who we are vs. who they are. This tribal mindset can be seen in a range of conflicts, from marital disputes, to arguments across organizational silos, to clashes between nations. It’s likely an issue with that stakeholder across the table from you.

In Negotiating the Nonnegotiable, Shapiro shares practical lessons about how to recognize when you’re barreling down a path of what he calls vertigo—where the conflict is so out of control that we’re disoriented—seemingly unable to perceive what’s really going on. He provides vocabulary around how to recognize therepetition compulsion—the self-defeating patterns of behavior that just get repeated over and over. And he shares perspectives on office politics that alone are worth the price of the book.

If you’re waiting for that person across the table to resign or get a job in a different part of the organization, you will probably have a lot of birthdays. If you’re sick of the affective conflict and can muster up the open-mindedness to chisel away at the underlying problems, Dan Shapiro’s new book is a great place to start.

You can hear Dan talk about some ideas from Negotiating the Nonnegotiable in this interview: http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/148. When the yelling calms down, I recommend you listen to it.

What are some of your most challenging conflicts? What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned about trying to resolve those conflicts? I invite you to share your lessons below in the comments.

If you lead projects and people, you inevitably face difficult people. In fact, some of these people seem downright crazy.

I’m not necessarily talking about certifiably mentally ill though that may be the case in rare circumstances. The crazy I’m talking about is the person who acts irrationally. They explode in anger at seemingly nothing. They are overly emotional. They are convinced that others are out to get them. They have an incessant need to be right.

These sorts of crazy can make work and life a chore. A burden. They can suck the life and joy out of what we’re trying to accomplish. And some of us face them regularly.

How do you deal with the crazy that sits in the cubicle across from you or in the office down the hall? Dr. Mark Goulston shares ideas in his latest book entitled Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life.

To help arm you to deal with the challenging people in your world, here are some key lessons from the book.

Lean Into Their Crazy

The main premise of Talking to Crazy is that you cannot reason people out of their crazy. Mark suggests that we must “lean into it”. Too often when someone is acting irrational, our instinct is to convince them that it’s not that bad. Or that they don't see things clearly.

The truth is you are right. They don't see things clearly. But trying to convince them of that, especially when they are at the height of their irrationality, is fruitless. Actually, you’ll make it worse.

What you see as resistance to change is persistence to them. What you see as complete nonsense is, in their eyes, just further proof of your cluelessness.

I had an executive coaching client convinced that she would get fired from her job. The more she obsessed on that fear, the more irrational she became. Further, this cycle of crazy led her to give every reason to lose her job. I can’t count the number of times I tried to help this person understand that her company was not out to get her. I vigorously explained how her flawed thinking was leading her down a path to the unemployment line. I tried to be rational in the face of her irrationality. And she was just convinced I didn’t understand (a view reinforced when she eventually—and unnecessarily—lost her job).

That’s how crazy works. When you next have to face that person, try to remember that their irrationality is rational to them. Efforts to convince them otherwise will just make things worse.

So, what do you do?

Keep Your Poise

Leaning into crazy starts with letting the person vent. Instead of following your instincts to shed light on the situation, let them unload their irrational thoughts. Don’t take it personally.

Dr. Goulston suggests this is an opportunity…. An opportunity for poise. Of course, that’s easier to say than do, but here’s the wisdom behind that approach. Goulston states that “stripping you of your poise is among an irrational person’s best weapons, and refusing to surrender your poise is one of your best defenses.”

I had a friend who suggested sometimes, you need to meet power with force. If someone pushes you, you need to push back at least as hard. I’ve seen situations where that was called for. But if that’s been your approach in the past and it’s not making things better, do whatever it takes to keep your poise. As George Bernard Shaw observed, “I learned long ago, never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Stay out of the mud by keeping your poise.

Stay Curious

I’m increasingly convinced that the source of much conflict is that people aren’t listening to each other. I’m not suggesting that all conflicts can be settled by heartfelt conversation, but an important skill when dealing with your crazy is to truly listen. Goulston suggests that you stay curious. After letting them vent, ask questions. Look them in the eye as they speak. Goulston even suggests focusing on their left eye. But regardless, stay curious as you listen to their rant.

Donny Ebenstein suggests in his book I Hear You you should listen so well that you can tell their story as well as they can. You don’t have to agree with their story, but you want to listen so intently that you could communicate their concern or frustration so effectively that they understand you’ve actually heard them.

Listening to truly understand is monumentally challenging in the face of crazy. And if the person is violent or goes over the line of respect, the best thing might be just to walk away. But assuming it’s safe, stay curious. What are they feeling, thinking, and doing? (Goulston calls this F-T-D Delivery). Listen so deeply that you understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it.

What’s Next?

By now you’ve held back from trying to convince the person out of their irrationality. You’ve listened well enough to have a better understanding of where they’re coming from. You haven’t interrupted so the person might start to lose some of their intensity. Where do you go from here? 

It depends.

You’ll need to get Talking to Crazy for the full arsenal of options, but here are a few for your consideration:

• The Belly Roll. Goulston suggests that “sometimes you win the battle by surrendering.” If you are in the wrong, admit it and ask, “What do you want me to do?” Or maybe you are not in the wrong, but you just don’t know what move to make. Goulston suggests something like, “If I say or do something, it will make things worse. If I don’t say or do something, it will make things worse. Given that I have very little confidence in what to do now, I need you to tell me what you need me to say or do to make the situation better for you. What would it take to make this right?” Depending on the situation, the best approach to dealing with the crazy might be to humbly go low.
• Picture Your Mentors. Goulston suggests that our response could be informed by visualizing how our mentors might respond. Bill Hybels, host of the Global Leadership Summit, suggests that, when faced with a challenging problem, ask yourself “What would a great leader do?” How would a great leader respond to the crazy you’re facing? How would the best boss you ever worked for respond?
• Anticipate the Crazy. Goulston observes “Irrational people will predictably escalate if you disagree with them, say no to them, tell them they’re wrong, or ask them to do something they don’t want to do.” We may think they’re so unpredictable, but in fact, you can sometimes anticipate the crazy. In Peter Bregman’s book Four Seconds, he asks us to watch for when we say, “I can’t believe they did it again!” His point: stop being surprised they did it again! Of course they did! That’s what they do! By anticipating the crazy, you may be able to avoid or mitigate it in the future.

 There’s no simple formula for dealing with the irrational and impossible people in your life. But there are ways to improve the odds that the crazy people in your world don’t take you down with them. To learn more about Dr. Mark Goulston and his book Talking To Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life, I invite you to watch this recent interview with him (and earn a free PDU).

What are your tips and tricks for dealing with crazy? I invite you to share them as comments below. Thanks!

Andy Kaufman, PMP is the host of The People and Projects Podcast, available at http://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com and all podcast apps.

In an upcoming episode of The People and Projects Podcast, I'm interviewing Mark Goulston about his book Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life. 

I would love your help with the interview! I'm going to ask Mark to respond to some specific project-related scenarios, and I'd love for yours to be one of them!

What's an example of an "irrational and impossible" boss, sponsor, team member, customer, or other stakeholder that you've had to deal with on your projects? What are some specific things they did that made them so difficult to deal with? How did you try to deal with their craziness? What was the impact of their craziness on you, others, and the project?

You're invited to leave your examples as a comment below. As a matter of respect, please don't use the real names of people.

UPDATE: The episode is now live. Click here to read about it here on ProjectManagement.com.