Authentic Success

If I were to ask whether you put undue pressure on yourself as a woman and mother over the holidays, would you reply with something like, “Does a bear….?” Check.

For most of my adult life, over the holidays I would routinely pull out “the big stick” if things weren’t just so, as my mother used to say. Of course, she was my role model (part of the challenge for most of us). As a child, each year I watched her frantically run herself into the ground. She would only declare “victory” when things went off without a hitch. To me it didn’t seem like a particularly good time, for her at least!  (As an aside, I used to wonder why my parents would start Christmas morning with Bloody Mary’s… hmmm.)

When I became a parent, I tried to model my mother’s herculean efforts. It damn near killed me. After a number of years, I began to ask myself how I had fallen into the same trap. Not surprisingly, it dawned on me that I was simply doing what I had seen my own mother do, without considering the huge divide between my circumstances and hers.

As a recovering imposter, wearing a mask of outward perfection was very important to me. After a lot of inner work and soul searching, I learned that I alone was judging myself, and that I could choose to be kind to myself, and banish “competence extremism” as we call it in our work.

This holiday season, I invite you to practice a little self-compassion, as I have slowly learned to do. Here are two suggestions for you to consider as we enter the “holiday chute”:

• Listen to your inner-dialogue. Self-criticism isn’t motivating! You were likely taught to have compassion for others. Make a pledge to yourself this year, that when you go looking for the “big stick,” you’ll try to treat yourself as a dear friend would.

• Forgive yourself for your need for perfection. It’s just not possible. In our group program last week, my amazing partner, Deb, led us through a tapping exercise based on the ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho’oponopono. It was moving for us all. It is both healing and powerful to forgive ourselves, and others. I’m going to share it with you here. Repeat it a few times each day. If you’re a tapper, tap on the points as you say each sentence.

I love you.

I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

Give yourself a gift this year, that will unquestionably trickle down to those you love. Show yourself some self-compassion. I’ll be doing the same, right along with you. May your holidays be filled with light and love; and leave the dazzling to Martha!