Authentic Success

Fear is an interesting beast. It can be wildly obvious or it can be sneakily insidious. For the obvious – think running from a bear, or dark creepy parking garages, or in my case, small, innocent little snakes that cause me to freeze for embarrassingly long periods of time. Then swear, and depending on the day… cry. That is primal and obvious fear, and not really what I want to talk to you about today.

I want to talk about the fear that is controlling most of what we do, think, say and feel. This is the insidious fear that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough etc. etc. These are core beliefs about ourselves that we all have, and we are desperately, wildly, constantly afraid that they are true. We go through life each day protecting ourselves from the possibility of being made to feel what we fear is true about ourselves. Take someone who doesn’t feel smart enough… she will work her ass off to make sure that nobody ever questions her value. She’ll over-prepare, constantly train, work late and go so far above and beyond reproach that nobody would question her intelligence. And yet, she fears. She is so afraid of this happening, that she spends most of her life running from this fear by way of doing everything humanly possible so she isn’t confronted with it.

Take a woman that’s afraid she isn’t lovable. She is so afraid that this is true, that she will take scraps of affection, a glimmer of respect and an ounce of friendship and she will make it enough. She will pretend that this is acceptable so she never has to face her desperate fear that there is something wrong with her… that she is fundamentally unlovable.

How about the man that thinks he is weak. This man may bluff, bluster and bully his way into feeling like he is strong and powerful. His behaviour screams that nothing gets to him, that he is in control, and yet he fears. He fears that under all of that bluster, someone will call him weak.

The most insidious part of this, is that these fears are bullshit. Completely and utterly untrue. They are the beliefs of a child’s brain unable to process logic or rationalize evidence. It’s how our brains work – we create these beliefs as children and then spend the rest of our lives dealing with the fear that they instil.   Read this again. These fears are. not. true. They are patterns and perceptions, but they are not truth.

So what are you really afraid of? I can tell you that I was afraid someone in my corporate jobs would realize that I was just a silly small town girl who bluffed her way through the day. I was afraid they would see how scared I was – because fear was weakness and to let someone see it? Well, shit, now you should be ashamed of yourself. And still, none of that is true. Not one single part of it. I am smart. I am strong. I am capable. I am loved.

And so are you. These are stories we have been telling ourselves, and it is way past time that we take a hard look and call ourselves out on this crap. They are just stories – re-write the pages. Re-write the plot, the climax, the ending … it’s your story and your choice.

Please don’t live out of fear. Live out of passion, love, joy, excitement… anything but fear. Fear isn’t true – so find something that is, and live from there.

Wishing you truth, success and happiness on your path to finding fearless.

Deb

Ever wonder why you can be capable, confident and powerful at work and yet, in your personal growth and development you feel like you are constantly floundering?  Or why you can be open, funny, silly and engaging at home, but that kind of behaviour has no place at work? For me, my “work self” was confident, solid, smart and powerful, and my “home self” was quiet, insecure, emotionally drained and in desperate need of a hug. These were two wildly different personalities that I put on every day. When I got exhausted enough by this pattern, I dug in to figure out why. The answer was pretty simple really – I was faking it at work!

Yep – I had simply learned to put an almost impenetrable mask of confidence on at work.  It let me be what I thought was a strong leader, a compassionate (albeit a little arrogant now that I think about it) listener, a great problem-solver.  It kept the vulnerable parts of me safe.  Genius really.  Or was it?

Here’s the danger if you notice your work life persona is a mask.  It is EXHAUSTING. I mean, on an energetic, authentic level…this kind of fakery is emotionally and energetically exhausting.  It robs from other areas of your life to shore up your professional life.  This might work temporarily to advance your career, but from an “authentic success” perspective, it is a flawed plan. One area will always be giving energy to support another, and eventually that imbalanced neglect will start to show.  You might get sick and need a few days off to recuperate, which allows you to store some much needed energy.  Your home life may get rather dramatic because you are short-tempered, exhausted and running on empty by the time you get home.  Your work may start to suffer because it is the only thing that will make you take notice.

For me, it was a series of dramatic and emotionally draining work events that precipitated my wake-up call.  A tricky thing about that confident mask – it blinds you to what your authentic self would see quite easily.  It keeps you operating in a state of fear that you have to be perfect, have the answer, push harder…all the damn time.  Here is the irony, your authentic, successful, flawed, powerful self, is so much more motivating and inspirational to others than your mask. Taking off that mask will allow you to fail without taking it personally, and achieve incredible success that you own on a very personal level (because let’s face it, you are too busy attacking the next challenge to own the success of the accomplishment you just achieved).  The truth is that there is immense power in shining your true face to the world.

Bottom line…the harder you are holding on to that mask, the deeper is your fear of not being good enough or accepted for your true self.  That fear is a dangerous place to live, because it cuts off your true access to happiness and success.  I can promise that taking off your mask is worth all of the learning, vulnerability and practice that it takes to show, shine and rock your authentic face to the world.  I hope you find that bravery for yourself – it is absolutely worth it.

Our brains are pretty incredible. They keep us safe by guiding our behaviour based on experiences. Our behaviour becomes a pattern that we unconsciously play out our whole lives. This is really great for the safety factor – after all, our thinking has kept us alive until now. What it’s not so good for, is breaking a pattern because it doesn’t differentiate patterns that are good for us vs. patterns that aren’t. Many of the beliefs we formed about ourselves happened between the ages of 1 – 8 years old. This is before our brains are capable of logical thought. These are not the beliefs that we want guiding our lives.

My 5 year old self thought she was stupid because she was a day-dreamer, which translated into a small being that wasn’t paying attention to other humans. That was often interpreted as “not being very bright”. You’ve seen this happen right? A kid in a store gets that exasperated sigh and angry look from Mom or Dad because they aren’t paying attention? Don’t get me wrong, as a parent it is exasperating…but as a child, I interpreted that sign as “I am stupid”. No judgement or blame here, that is how I (and a lot of other kids too) interpreted that expression and sound.

Now, my 37 year old self has had a lot of proof that I am not, in fact, stupid (I also don’t like to use that word, but it’s what my 5 year old self used).  Know how I knew that “I am stupid” was one of my core beliefs from childhood?  Because almost nothing else pissed me off more than feeling stupid as an adult. Red flag right there. My feelings were such an over-reaction to the situation that I had to figure out why.  I didn’t want to be reduced to tears or rage when someone questioned my work, or judgement, or opinion.  But that is what would happen, because those questions triggered my belief that I was stupid.  So I worked on it through EFT (tapping), paying attention to my reactions and making conscious choices about my behaviour.  Awareness is the first step, so give this a try:

1)  Recognize that your reaction is a pattern that has kept you safe to date.  So don’t be upset with it, just observe your feelings and try not to judge.

2)  Keep asking yourself “why does this bother me?” until you end up with an answer that has “I am” in it.  That is where the power of a belief lies, because “I am” is about the core of you.

3)  Congratulate yourself on your amazing detective work in discovering one of your core beliefs from childhood.  Just notice your feelings and reactions for now.  This is empowering awareness.

Beliefs can be changed. Not without awareness, and not without work, but they can be. For me, my belief that “I am stupid” has been worked through, and in its place I now believe “I am valuable”. That shift impacts my happiness, my relationships, and my fundamental success, because I no longer operate from a 5 year old’s perspective. Our negative beliefs are one of the rare times that feeling like a kid is NOT necessarily in your best interest.