Authentic Success

Let me start off by saying that I am NOT the ultimate expert on EFT.  There are many “masters” of EFT that can quote the science, the research and the protocol perfectly.  I am a user, lover and practitioner of EFT that wants the whole freaking world to experience it. This is me, telling you in the best way I know how, how the miracle of EFT works and what that can mean for you.

Let’s start with what EFT stands for – Emotional Freedom Techniques.  Techniques is plural because there are many methods within EFT that are highly effective and specialized based on the client and emotional needs.  The basic biology is that there is a little almond shaped part of your brain called your Amygdala.  This little gem is what controls your fight, flight or freeze response.  So basically, it interprets a stress trigger and signals your body to react accordingly.  This means blood flow is directed away from your organs to your limbs, it means less brain function and more reactive ability, it means a rush of hormones that allows you to be faster than you would be without them.  Think running from a bear… that is what your Amygdala is in charge of.

The problem is that we are conditioned to be triggered into a stress response way too often in our lives.  Think road rage.  Think big presentation.  Think two toddlers in the grocery store that are hungry and bored.   Our bodies are reacting as if we are constantly running from large hungry bears.  We are not built to sustain this response.  Our body’s response to stress is to help save our lives, and is meant to be temporary with a recovery period.  Modern life doesn’t allow this.  So now we are all coolly sauntering through our lives on the outside, while our biology is screaming, “Run for your life!”

EFT is often called “tapping”, and it is because you quite simply tap on acupressure points on your head, face and torso.  These points effectively shush the “run for your life” voice by calmly whispering, “Its okay, you are safe.”  It takes the intensity of emotions away so that the stress response from our bodies isn’t needed.  And yes, it is as much of a relief as it sounds.  I often describe the stressed out Amygdala as being like a hot burner on the stove… it’s all lit up red and pulsing with intensity.  Tapping is like shutting off the element, it starts to cool off until it is safe to the touch.

Here’s what this is capable of doing for you.  It’s capable of changing your reactions to stressful stimuli.  It can change your reaction from screaming at that road rage driver, to wishing them a safe drive.  And no, not in the most sarcastic way possible J. You can actually feel so safe and neutral that their anger does not trigger you.  It can switch the racing heart and stress sweats before a big presentation, to excitement to share your knowledge.  It can move an overwhelmed Momma from the brink of an adult meltdown in the grocery store, to calm, peaceful, unconditional love and smiles with her kids.  Yep, a magical miracle is EFT.

Like all good things, it is a practice and requires some consistent effort.  The difference is that your biological protection system (remember your Amygdala?) likes this change.  It feels calm, which means it is comfortable that you are safe.  This is a key reason why tapping is so effective… your brain, body and energy system won’t fight you as long as you are tapping.  Don’t get me wrong, resistance will present itself, but the physical act of tapping always helps.  Trauma, depression, PTSD, anxiety, weight loss, shame and anger are all within the healing abilities of this tool. For the big stuff, work with a practitioner, but for a daily practice to increase your energy, clear away some stress and be able to feel more joy – tap away!!!

Here is a short video I recorded for you to give it a try.  I hope you enjoy it, and better yet – I hope you get hooked because I know this tool is one of the keys to authentic success!

I’m reading “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks right now and I love what I’m reading.  It is a fantastic complement to our work on moving past Imposter Syndrome.  Here is my biggest take-away so far… we all have upper limits of happiness and success that when reached, quickly shove us back down to our comfort zone.  For most of us, our comfort zones unfortunately involve a lot of self-criticism, feelings of failure, and beliefs that we don’t measure up (hallmarks of Imposter Syndrome).  This ceiling shows up in both our personal and professional lives.

I’m going to re-name comfort zone, to zone of mediocrity, because that is what this zone really means for us.  The fact that we are comfortable here is not something to be particularly proud of… it’s just a fact.  We are sort of happy, sort of successful, sort of grateful, sort of…  Ugh.  I don’t know about you personally, but for me, much of my work has come from being pretty sick and tired of feeling and being “sort of”.

Here are some behaviours to pay attention to that keep us mediocre and “sort of”:

• Worrying – I had not considered that worrying is a way to retreat from the good that is happening.  I knew it wasn’t useful, I just didn’t know it was a direct mechanism I used for moving away from happiness.  If you are always “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, please just stop and try to hold on to the great thing that just happened.

• Blame and criticism – I thought this was just a bad habit… huh.  Energetically, it is a way to pull yourself back down to mediocre and quickly shift happy, joyful feelings, to negative feelings that we are used to.

• Getting sick or hurt – I always thought I got sick when I was run-down.  But now that I think about it, I would consistently get sick when an exam was done, or a big project finished.  My logic said I was just tired, but the reality is that something big, happy and great had just happened.

• Squabbling – Ever had an intense, happy connection with a person and then start finding their flaws or something to make them less great?  Or, naturally cause an argument over something insignificant?   It’s a way of bringing your energy back to just you where it feels safe.

• Hiding significant feelings – I think this is common training for most of us.  Don’t cry.  Get over it.  Distract yourself.  Forget about it.  Don’t be silly.  Calm down.  All of these sayings are meant to move you away from significant feelings.  The thing to remember here is that your system doesn’t differentiate between good and bad… it only recognizes what is outside of your zone of mediocrity.  So if you “hide” from the bad, you will also instinctively “hide” from the good.  Feel the feelings.

• Breaking agreements – An interesting one for sure.  For me, the agreement is almost always with myself and speaks to integrity.  A prime example… creating a new habit that feels amazing.  Then I stop.  Just like that, I stop.  Now I understand it is because the new habit is making me feel so good that I need to get back to my zone of mediocrity, and the quickest way back to that zone is to stop the new habit.  For all of you that think you don’t have will-power or follow-through, seriously consider this one.

• Not speaking your truth – This is hard, but energetically your truth is a very high vibration. By not speaking it, by not allowing your vulnerability to show through your truth, you are absolutely moving away from authentic happiness and success.

• Deflecting – The easiest way to decide if this one impacts you is how you react to a compliment.  Can you genuinely take it in and allow yourself to be proud of your capabilities?  Or, do you brush it off as lucky, or a team effort, or no big deal?  Deflection keeps you from feeling those really great compliments because they are outside the zone.

As a chunk of the world celebrates this holiday season… pay attention to how much joy you are allowing yourself.  Better yet – pay attention to all of the times you feel great feelings, and then watch for how you move away from them.  Watch your patterns and the scenarios you create to keep yourself comfortable.  This is an amazing time of year to learn, grow, and if you are really dedicated, to smash that success ceiling so that you can experience true and lasting peace, happiness, joy and success.

I wish you the bravery to pay attention, the dedication to create new habits, and the wild happiness and success that is on the other side!

Deb

If I were to ask whether you put undue pressure on yourself as a woman and mother over the holidays, would you reply with something like, “Does a bear….?” Check.

For most of my adult life, over the holidays I would routinely pull out “the big stick” if things weren’t just so, as my mother used to say. Of course, she was my role model (part of the challenge for most of us). As a child, each year I watched her frantically run herself into the ground. She would only declare “victory” when things went off without a hitch. To me it didn’t seem like a particularly good time, for her at least!  (As an aside, I used to wonder why my parents would start Christmas morning with Bloody Mary’s… hmmm.)

When I became a parent, I tried to model my mother’s herculean efforts. It damn near killed me. After a number of years, I began to ask myself how I had fallen into the same trap. Not surprisingly, it dawned on me that I was simply doing what I had seen my own mother do, without considering the huge divide between my circumstances and hers.

As a recovering imposter, wearing a mask of outward perfection was very important to me. After a lot of inner work and soul searching, I learned that I alone was judging myself, and that I could choose to be kind to myself, and banish “competence extremism” as we call it in our work.

This holiday season, I invite you to practice a little self-compassion, as I have slowly learned to do. Here are two suggestions for you to consider as we enter the “holiday chute”:

• Listen to your inner-dialogue. Self-criticism isn’t motivating! You were likely taught to have compassion for others. Make a pledge to yourself this year, that when you go looking for the “big stick,” you’ll try to treat yourself as a dear friend would.

• Forgive yourself for your need for perfection. It’s just not possible. In our group program last week, my amazing partner, Deb, led us through a tapping exercise based on the ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho’oponopono. It was moving for us all. It is both healing and powerful to forgive ourselves, and others. I’m going to share it with you here. Repeat it a few times each day. If you’re a tapper, tap on the points as you say each sentence.

I love you.

I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

Give yourself a gift this year, that will unquestionably trickle down to those you love. Show yourself some self-compassion. I’ll be doing the same, right along with you. May your holidays be filled with light and love; and leave the dazzling to Martha!

Ever wonder why you can be capable, confident and powerful at work and yet, in your personal growth and development you feel like you are constantly floundering?  Or why you can be open, funny, silly and engaging at home, but that kind of behaviour has no place at work? For me, my “work self” was confident, solid, smart and powerful, and my “home self” was quiet, insecure, emotionally drained and in desperate need of a hug. These were two wildly different personalities that I put on every day. When I got exhausted enough by this pattern, I dug in to figure out why. The answer was pretty simple really – I was faking it at work!

Yep – I had simply learned to put an almost impenetrable mask of confidence on at work.  It let me be what I thought was a strong leader, a compassionate (albeit a little arrogant now that I think about it) listener, a great problem-solver.  It kept the vulnerable parts of me safe.  Genius really.  Or was it?

Here’s the danger if you notice your work life persona is a mask.  It is EXHAUSTING. I mean, on an energetic, authentic level…this kind of fakery is emotionally and energetically exhausting.  It robs from other areas of your life to shore up your professional life.  This might work temporarily to advance your career, but from an “authentic success” perspective, it is a flawed plan. One area will always be giving energy to support another, and eventually that imbalanced neglect will start to show.  You might get sick and need a few days off to recuperate, which allows you to store some much needed energy.  Your home life may get rather dramatic because you are short-tempered, exhausted and running on empty by the time you get home.  Your work may start to suffer because it is the only thing that will make you take notice.

For me, it was a series of dramatic and emotionally draining work events that precipitated my wake-up call.  A tricky thing about that confident mask – it blinds you to what your authentic self would see quite easily.  It keeps you operating in a state of fear that you have to be perfect, have the answer, push harder…all the damn time.  Here is the irony, your authentic, successful, flawed, powerful self, is so much more motivating and inspirational to others than your mask. Taking off that mask will allow you to fail without taking it personally, and achieve incredible success that you own on a very personal level (because let’s face it, you are too busy attacking the next challenge to own the success of the accomplishment you just achieved).  The truth is that there is immense power in shining your true face to the world.

Bottom line…the harder you are holding on to that mask, the deeper is your fear of not being good enough or accepted for your true self.  That fear is a dangerous place to live, because it cuts off your true access to happiness and success.  I can promise that taking off your mask is worth all of the learning, vulnerability and practice that it takes to show, shine and rock your authentic face to the world.  I hope you find that bravery for yourself – it is absolutely worth it.

There are two parts of this knowledge that I rejected for quite a while.  The first was that to come first was selfish.  It was the opposite of what I was “trained” to do. Others’ thoughts, feelings and needs come first, and my needs would be met by meeting theirs.  I was supposed to be happy because I had “helped” others. For a while, I really was. At work I supported, re-arranged, put out fires, etc., to keep my team happy.  At home I gave, and gave, and gave. After a while I simply had nothing left to give. I now know that it’s because you have to fill your own “cup” back up in order to keep pouring for others.

The second part that I rejected instinctively was that to put me first meant I had to think about me. I was overwhelmed by my need NOT to do this. Self-reflection is hard. Taking action based on what you learn about yourself is even harder. Now you know that you are letting others walk all over you.  Now you know that you are sad, lonely, angry, resentful, etc., and you can’t shut it off.  Why would I want to do that to myself?

The answer is simple. If I don’t I run out of all of the good stuff about me. The caring. The empathy. The giving. All gone. It gets replaced with all of the negative feelings that used to be safely insulated by the good ones. So here is a list of reasons to put yourself first – in catchy quotes. 😊

1. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
2. We teach people how to treat us.
3. The only person we are guaranteed to spend forever with is ourselves – take care of him/her.
4. The best in people comes out when they are loved, respected and honoured – this means you too!
5. Your energy introduces you before you speak when you enter a room. Shine bright and others will respond with their best selves too.

Whether you take care of your family, lead others at work, or care for others as your profession, you HAVE to come first. Chances are very good that if you suffer from anxiety, or overwhelm, or consistently angry thoughts, it’s because you aren’t taking care of you. The world needs your best self, please be selfish enough to give it to them.