Authentic Success

I hear this phrase all the time.  At first it gave me this sort of free-fall feeling of “OK… let’s do this”.  It would give me the courage to take the scary step in that moment.  If this is how you use this statement, then by all means, let it be an in-the-moment tool for you.

BUT, the idea that you need to go through life “faking” anything is false.  It implies that if you do something enough times, it will become “normal”.  The action may become routine, but until you shift the energy causing the initial distress, all you are doing is shoving yet another part of your energy and emotions in to a box.  That box isn’t free-flowing… it is stagnant and creates a loss of your overall energy.

A better plan is to figure out where the fear, anxiety and stress are coming from.  Trust me when I say it isn’t this meeting, or that interview or the family gathering.  The root lies somewhere else.  Until you acknowledge and process that root, you will keep building stagnate boxes of energy in your system that eventually show up as burn out, anxiety attacks, chronic sickness and pain.  When you experience the desire to “fake it ‘till you make it”, take a moment and ask yourself the following questions:

1.     When have I felt like this before?

2.     Who is the person associated with this feeling for you?

3.     How do I want to feel in this situation instead?

I STRONGLY encourage you to find an energy practitioner that you resonate with to help you shift the core of the problem.  You will be doing a great piece of the work here by answering these questions, but I don’t want to mislead you in to thinking that self-awareness is enough.  It’s the first step… not the last one. The questions alone won’t solve the problem, but they will give you a path to follow to unlock those stagnant boxes and to let real emotions flow. You know, the good ones like happiness, purpose, confidence and joy.

Here is a short video that you can use to help with the in-the-moment fear and anxiety.  Give it a try and then modify my words to suit any situation where you feel the need to “fake” it.

To your success,

Deb

Let me start off by saying that I am NOT the ultimate expert on EFT.  There are many “masters” of EFT that can quote the science, the research and the protocol perfectly.  I am a user, lover and practitioner of EFT that wants the whole freaking world to experience it. This is me, telling you in the best way I know how, how the miracle of EFT works and what that can mean for you.

Let’s start with what EFT stands for – Emotional Freedom Techniques.  Techniques is plural because there are many methods within EFT that are highly effective and specialized based on the client and emotional needs.  The basic biology is that there is a little almond shaped part of your brain called your Amygdala.  This little gem is what controls your fight, flight or freeze response.  So basically, it interprets a stress trigger and signals your body to react accordingly.  This means blood flow is directed away from your organs to your limbs, it means less brain function and more reactive ability, it means a rush of hormones that allows you to be faster than you would be without them.  Think running from a bear… that is what your Amygdala is in charge of.

The problem is that we are conditioned to be triggered into a stress response way too often in our lives.  Think road rage.  Think big presentation.  Think two toddlers in the grocery store that are hungry and bored.   Our bodies are reacting as if we are constantly running from large hungry bears.  We are not built to sustain this response.  Our body’s response to stress is to help save our lives, and is meant to be temporary with a recovery period.  Modern life doesn’t allow this.  So now we are all coolly sauntering through our lives on the outside, while our biology is screaming, “Run for your life!”

EFT is often called “tapping”, and it is because you quite simply tap on acupressure points on your head, face and torso.  These points effectively shush the “run for your life” voice by calmly whispering, “Its okay, you are safe.”  It takes the intensity of emotions away so that the stress response from our bodies isn’t needed.  And yes, it is as much of a relief as it sounds.  I often describe the stressed out Amygdala as being like a hot burner on the stove… it’s all lit up red and pulsing with intensity.  Tapping is like shutting off the element, it starts to cool off until it is safe to the touch.

Here’s what this is capable of doing for you.  It’s capable of changing your reactions to stressful stimuli.  It can change your reaction from screaming at that road rage driver, to wishing them a safe drive.  And no, not in the most sarcastic way possible J. You can actually feel so safe and neutral that their anger does not trigger you.  It can switch the racing heart and stress sweats before a big presentation, to excitement to share your knowledge.  It can move an overwhelmed Momma from the brink of an adult meltdown in the grocery store, to calm, peaceful, unconditional love and smiles with her kids.  Yep, a magical miracle is EFT.

Like all good things, it is a practice and requires some consistent effort.  The difference is that your biological protection system (remember your Amygdala?) likes this change.  It feels calm, which means it is comfortable that you are safe.  This is a key reason why tapping is so effective… your brain, body and energy system won’t fight you as long as you are tapping.  Don’t get me wrong, resistance will present itself, but the physical act of tapping always helps.  Trauma, depression, PTSD, anxiety, weight loss, shame and anger are all within the healing abilities of this tool. For the big stuff, work with a practitioner, but for a daily practice to increase your energy, clear away some stress and be able to feel more joy – tap away!!!

Here is a short video I recorded for you to give it a try.  I hope you enjoy it, and better yet – I hope you get hooked because I know this tool is one of the keys to authentic success!

If I were to ask whether you put undue pressure on yourself as a woman and mother over the holidays, would you reply with something like, “Does a bear….?” Check.

For most of my adult life, over the holidays I would routinely pull out “the big stick” if things weren’t just so, as my mother used to say. Of course, she was my role model (part of the challenge for most of us). As a child, each year I watched her frantically run herself into the ground. She would only declare “victory” when things went off without a hitch. To me it didn’t seem like a particularly good time, for her at least!  (As an aside, I used to wonder why my parents would start Christmas morning with Bloody Mary’s… hmmm.)

When I became a parent, I tried to model my mother’s herculean efforts. It damn near killed me. After a number of years, I began to ask myself how I had fallen into the same trap. Not surprisingly, it dawned on me that I was simply doing what I had seen my own mother do, without considering the huge divide between my circumstances and hers.

As a recovering imposter, wearing a mask of outward perfection was very important to me. After a lot of inner work and soul searching, I learned that I alone was judging myself, and that I could choose to be kind to myself, and banish “competence extremism” as we call it in our work.

This holiday season, I invite you to practice a little self-compassion, as I have slowly learned to do. Here are two suggestions for you to consider as we enter the “holiday chute”:

• Listen to your inner-dialogue. Self-criticism isn’t motivating! You were likely taught to have compassion for others. Make a pledge to yourself this year, that when you go looking for the “big stick,” you’ll try to treat yourself as a dear friend would.

• Forgive yourself for your need for perfection. It’s just not possible. In our group program last week, my amazing partner, Deb, led us through a tapping exercise based on the ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho’oponopono. It was moving for us all. It is both healing and powerful to forgive ourselves, and others. I’m going to share it with you here. Repeat it a few times each day. If you’re a tapper, tap on the points as you say each sentence.

I love you.

I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

Give yourself a gift this year, that will unquestionably trickle down to those you love. Show yourself some self-compassion. I’ll be doing the same, right along with you. May your holidays be filled with light and love; and leave the dazzling to Martha!

There are two parts of this knowledge that I rejected for quite a while.  The first was that to come first was selfish.  It was the opposite of what I was “trained” to do. Others’ thoughts, feelings and needs come first, and my needs would be met by meeting theirs.  I was supposed to be happy because I had “helped” others. For a while, I really was. At work I supported, re-arranged, put out fires, etc., to keep my team happy.  At home I gave, and gave, and gave. After a while I simply had nothing left to give. I now know that it’s because you have to fill your own “cup” back up in order to keep pouring for others.

The second part that I rejected instinctively was that to put me first meant I had to think about me. I was overwhelmed by my need NOT to do this. Self-reflection is hard. Taking action based on what you learn about yourself is even harder. Now you know that you are letting others walk all over you.  Now you know that you are sad, lonely, angry, resentful, etc., and you can’t shut it off.  Why would I want to do that to myself?

The answer is simple. If I don’t I run out of all of the good stuff about me. The caring. The empathy. The giving. All gone. It gets replaced with all of the negative feelings that used to be safely insulated by the good ones. So here is a list of reasons to put yourself first – in catchy quotes. 😊

1. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
2. We teach people how to treat us.
3. The only person we are guaranteed to spend forever with is ourselves – take care of him/her.
4. The best in people comes out when they are loved, respected and honoured – this means you too!
5. Your energy introduces you before you speak when you enter a room. Shine bright and others will respond with their best selves too.

Whether you take care of your family, lead others at work, or care for others as your profession, you HAVE to come first. Chances are very good that if you suffer from anxiety, or overwhelm, or consistently angry thoughts, it’s because you aren’t taking care of you. The world needs your best self, please be selfish enough to give it to them.