Authentic Success

My team and I had just launched a high-profile, worldwide marketing campaign, which was my baby, from start to finish. I was working like a maniac. My boss was our larger-than-life, demanding and, at times, explosive, COO. I was the first female manager in this storied engineering-based organization among 13 other male managers…a boy’s club.

In my personal life, my 5-yr old had just been diagnosed with autism, and my daughter had just turned one. My husband wasn’t much help, and the autism piece was ‘mine to sort out.’

I think you get the picture.

I realize now that for many obvious reasons – I was suffering from Imposter Syndrome. I was working in an environment that bred self-doubt; I was the only woman in management; I had risen up the ranks quickly – and I had ample childhood experience to support my beliefs that I didn’t deserve my success, and I wasn’t smart enough.

On the day in question, my boss called me into his office, sat me down and asked about the results of the campaign. I reminded him of our timeline, and said it was too soon. To my horror, he slammed his fist on his desk three times, as he bellowed out the words, “I… WANT… LEADS!”

Needless to say, I was horrified. How could I bring my best self to my work after this attack? How could I prevent this from impacting my already shaky self-confidence? How could I not hide out and avoid taking risks?

I got over it eventually, but it wasn’t easy or fast. Imposter Syndrome continued to plague me for years, until I discovered what it was, and how it shows up. Luckily, I’m a “driver”, and equipped with a hefty dose of resilience, which I called upon each and every day I worked there. Until I left to save my sanity, that is.

Lessons learned (or should I say reinforced)? A leader’s self and style awareness, employee/team happiness, and organizational success are so interwoven that they can’t be teased apart. Research has proven it. If my boss had known how deadly his blind spots were, and if my company had the slightest idea of how attacking people impacted their productivity, they might have been able to turn things around. Shit runs downhill, but so does happiness! What a waste.

As for me, I’ve done my work, and I’m still doing it, as no one’s ever “done”. I’m happy to say that while no one’s immune from self-doubt (sociopaths excluded), Imposter Syndrome doesn’t live here anymore. I know I’m talented. I know my worth. And now, I don’t take things personally.