Authentic Success

If I were to ask whether you put undue pressure on yourself as a woman and mother over the holidays, would you reply with something like, “Does a bear….?” Check.

For most of my adult life, over the holidays I would routinely pull out “the big stick” if things weren’t just so, as my mother used to say. Of course, she was my role model (part of the challenge for most of us). As a child, each year I watched her frantically run herself into the ground. She would only declare “victory” when things went off without a hitch. To me it didn’t seem like a particularly good time, for her at least!  (As an aside, I used to wonder why my parents would start Christmas morning with Bloody Mary’s… hmmm.)

When I became a parent, I tried to model my mother’s herculean efforts. It damn near killed me. After a number of years, I began to ask myself how I had fallen into the same trap. Not surprisingly, it dawned on me that I was simply doing what I had seen my own mother do, without considering the huge divide between my circumstances and hers.

As a recovering imposter, wearing a mask of outward perfection was very important to me. After a lot of inner work and soul searching, I learned that I alone was judging myself, and that I could choose to be kind to myself, and banish “competence extremism” as we call it in our work.

This holiday season, I invite you to practice a little self-compassion, as I have slowly learned to do. Here are two suggestions for you to consider as we enter the “holiday chute”:

• Listen to your inner-dialogue. Self-criticism isn’t motivating! You were likely taught to have compassion for others. Make a pledge to yourself this year, that when you go looking for the “big stick,” you’ll try to treat yourself as a dear friend would.

• Forgive yourself for your need for perfection. It’s just not possible. In our group program last week, my amazing partner, Deb, led us through a tapping exercise based on the ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho’oponopono. It was moving for us all. It is both healing and powerful to forgive ourselves, and others. I’m going to share it with you here. Repeat it a few times each day. If you’re a tapper, tap on the points as you say each sentence.

I love you.

I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

Give yourself a gift this year, that will unquestionably trickle down to those you love. Show yourself some self-compassion. I’ll be doing the same, right along with you. May your holidays be filled with light and love; and leave the dazzling to Martha!

Ever wonder why you can be capable, confident and powerful at work and yet, in your personal growth and development you feel like you are constantly floundering?  Or why you can be open, funny, silly and engaging at home, but that kind of behaviour has no place at work? For me, my “work self” was confident, solid, smart and powerful, and my “home self” was quiet, insecure, emotionally drained and in desperate need of a hug. These were two wildly different personalities that I put on every day. When I got exhausted enough by this pattern, I dug in to figure out why. The answer was pretty simple really – I was faking it at work!

Yep – I had simply learned to put an almost impenetrable mask of confidence on at work.  It let me be what I thought was a strong leader, a compassionate (albeit a little arrogant now that I think about it) listener, a great problem-solver.  It kept the vulnerable parts of me safe.  Genius really.  Or was it?

Here’s the danger if you notice your work life persona is a mask.  It is EXHAUSTING. I mean, on an energetic, authentic level…this kind of fakery is emotionally and energetically exhausting.  It robs from other areas of your life to shore up your professional life.  This might work temporarily to advance your career, but from an “authentic success” perspective, it is a flawed plan. One area will always be giving energy to support another, and eventually that imbalanced neglect will start to show.  You might get sick and need a few days off to recuperate, which allows you to store some much needed energy.  Your home life may get rather dramatic because you are short-tempered, exhausted and running on empty by the time you get home.  Your work may start to suffer because it is the only thing that will make you take notice.

For me, it was a series of dramatic and emotionally draining work events that precipitated my wake-up call.  A tricky thing about that confident mask – it blinds you to what your authentic self would see quite easily.  It keeps you operating in a state of fear that you have to be perfect, have the answer, push harder…all the damn time.  Here is the irony, your authentic, successful, flawed, powerful self, is so much more motivating and inspirational to others than your mask. Taking off that mask will allow you to fail without taking it personally, and achieve incredible success that you own on a very personal level (because let’s face it, you are too busy attacking the next challenge to own the success of the accomplishment you just achieved).  The truth is that there is immense power in shining your true face to the world.

Bottom line…the harder you are holding on to that mask, the deeper is your fear of not being good enough or accepted for your true self.  That fear is a dangerous place to live, because it cuts off your true access to happiness and success.  I can promise that taking off your mask is worth all of the learning, vulnerability and practice that it takes to show, shine and rock your authentic face to the world.  I hope you find that bravery for yourself – it is absolutely worth it.

There are two parts of this knowledge that I rejected for quite a while.  The first was that to come first was selfish.  It was the opposite of what I was “trained” to do. Others’ thoughts, feelings and needs come first, and my needs would be met by meeting theirs.  I was supposed to be happy because I had “helped” others. For a while, I really was. At work I supported, re-arranged, put out fires, etc., to keep my team happy.  At home I gave, and gave, and gave. After a while I simply had nothing left to give. I now know that it’s because you have to fill your own “cup” back up in order to keep pouring for others.

The second part that I rejected instinctively was that to put me first meant I had to think about me. I was overwhelmed by my need NOT to do this. Self-reflection is hard. Taking action based on what you learn about yourself is even harder. Now you know that you are letting others walk all over you.  Now you know that you are sad, lonely, angry, resentful, etc., and you can’t shut it off.  Why would I want to do that to myself?

The answer is simple. If I don’t I run out of all of the good stuff about me. The caring. The empathy. The giving. All gone. It gets replaced with all of the negative feelings that used to be safely insulated by the good ones. So here is a list of reasons to put yourself first – in catchy quotes. 😊

1. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
2. We teach people how to treat us.
3. The only person we are guaranteed to spend forever with is ourselves – take care of him/her.
4. The best in people comes out when they are loved, respected and honoured – this means you too!
5. Your energy introduces you before you speak when you enter a room. Shine bright and others will respond with their best selves too.

Whether you take care of your family, lead others at work, or care for others as your profession, you HAVE to come first. Chances are very good that if you suffer from anxiety, or overwhelm, or consistently angry thoughts, it’s because you aren’t taking care of you. The world needs your best self, please be selfish enough to give it to them.

Our brains are pretty incredible. They keep us safe by guiding our behaviour based on experiences. Our behaviour becomes a pattern that we unconsciously play out our whole lives. This is really great for the safety factor – after all, our thinking has kept us alive until now. What it’s not so good for, is breaking a pattern because it doesn’t differentiate patterns that are good for us vs. patterns that aren’t. Many of the beliefs we formed about ourselves happened between the ages of 1 – 8 years old. This is before our brains are capable of logical thought. These are not the beliefs that we want guiding our lives.

My 5 year old self thought she was stupid because she was a day-dreamer, which translated into a small being that wasn’t paying attention to other humans. That was often interpreted as “not being very bright”. You’ve seen this happen right? A kid in a store gets that exasperated sigh and angry look from Mom or Dad because they aren’t paying attention? Don’t get me wrong, as a parent it is exasperating…but as a child, I interpreted that sign as “I am stupid”. No judgement or blame here, that is how I (and a lot of other kids too) interpreted that expression and sound.

Now, my 37 year old self has had a lot of proof that I am not, in fact, stupid (I also don’t like to use that word, but it’s what my 5 year old self used).  Know how I knew that “I am stupid” was one of my core beliefs from childhood?  Because almost nothing else pissed me off more than feeling stupid as an adult. Red flag right there. My feelings were such an over-reaction to the situation that I had to figure out why.  I didn’t want to be reduced to tears or rage when someone questioned my work, or judgement, or opinion.  But that is what would happen, because those questions triggered my belief that I was stupid.  So I worked on it through EFT (tapping), paying attention to my reactions and making conscious choices about my behaviour.  Awareness is the first step, so give this a try:

1)  Recognize that your reaction is a pattern that has kept you safe to date.  So don’t be upset with it, just observe your feelings and try not to judge.

2)  Keep asking yourself “why does this bother me?” until you end up with an answer that has “I am” in it.  That is where the power of a belief lies, because “I am” is about the core of you.

3)  Congratulate yourself on your amazing detective work in discovering one of your core beliefs from childhood.  Just notice your feelings and reactions for now.  This is empowering awareness.

Beliefs can be changed. Not without awareness, and not without work, but they can be. For me, my belief that “I am stupid” has been worked through, and in its place I now believe “I am valuable”. That shift impacts my happiness, my relationships, and my fundamental success, because I no longer operate from a 5 year old’s perspective. Our negative beliefs are one of the rare times that feeling like a kid is NOT necessarily in your best interest.

My team and I had just launched a high-profile, worldwide marketing campaign, which was my baby, from start to finish. I was working like a maniac. My boss was our larger-than-life, demanding and, at times, explosive, COO. I was the first female manager in this storied engineering-based organization among 13 other male managers…a boy’s club.

In my personal life, my 5-yr old had just been diagnosed with autism, and my daughter had just turned one. My husband wasn’t much help, and the autism piece was ‘mine to sort out.’

I think you get the picture.

I realize now that for many obvious reasons – I was suffering from Imposter Syndrome. I was working in an environment that bred self-doubt; I was the only woman in management; I had risen up the ranks quickly – and I had ample childhood experience to support my beliefs that I didn’t deserve my success, and I wasn’t smart enough.

On the day in question, my boss called me into his office, sat me down and asked about the results of the campaign. I reminded him of our timeline, and said it was too soon. To my horror, he slammed his fist on his desk three times, as he bellowed out the words, “I… WANT… LEADS!”

Needless to say, I was horrified. How could I bring my best self to my work after this attack? How could I prevent this from impacting my already shaky self-confidence? How could I not hide out and avoid taking risks?

I got over it eventually, but it wasn’t easy or fast. Imposter Syndrome continued to plague me for years, until I discovered what it was, and how it shows up. Luckily, I’m a “driver”, and equipped with a hefty dose of resilience, which I called upon each and every day I worked there. Until I left to save my sanity, that is.

Lessons learned (or should I say reinforced)? A leader’s self and style awareness, employee/team happiness, and organizational success are so interwoven that they can’t be teased apart. Research has proven it. If my boss had known how deadly his blind spots were, and if my company had the slightest idea of how attacking people impacted their productivity, they might have been able to turn things around. Shit runs downhill, but so does happiness! What a waste.

As for me, I’ve done my work, and I’m still doing it, as no one’s ever “done”. I’m happy to say that while no one’s immune from self-doubt (sociopaths excluded), Imposter Syndrome doesn’t live here anymore. I know I’m talented. I know my worth. And now, I don’t take things personally.